As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my
mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ Astronaut John Glenn
*****
When the white missionaries came to Africa
they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We
closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Bishop Desmond Tutu
*****
America is the only country where a significant proportion
of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon
landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a
billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
*****
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk
all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
*****
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to
test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*****
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither
would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your
car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new
car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
*****
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me
at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
*****
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and
you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50
million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others
are here for, I have no idea.
~ W.H. Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on
the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*****
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all
the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*****
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're
very skeptical.
~ Arthur C Clarke
*****
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be
fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
*****
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
*****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to
anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier
to get to the airport
~ Jonathan Winters
*****
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something
for it.
~ Robert Benchley