ARGLE BARGLE

LOONY TUNES

•  Lobster (n): someone who throws poorly.

Stalemate (n): a leading cause of divorce. Etc. (abb): an abbreviation that makes others think you know more than you actually do. Cellfish (n): an individual who continues talking on their phone to the point of being rude or  inconsiderate to other people. Carnation (n): a country where everyone owns an automobile. Nitrate (n): the price after sundown. Askhole (n): someone who asks many stupid, pointless, or obnoxious questions. Unlightening (v): learning something that makes you dumber. Juggersnot (n): a huge impending sneeze you can’t prevent. Syntax (n): tariff on immorality. Blonde jokes (n): jokes short enough for men to understand. Cantaloupe (n): when you have to get married in a church. Eternity (n): the last two minutes of a football game. Snaccident (n): eating an entire bag of chips by mistake. Thesaurus (n): a dinosaur that studies words. Congress (n): the opposite of progress. Biology (n): the scientific study of the number two. Bide (v): past tense of buy. Goad (v): past tense of go. Artery (n): the study of paintings. Bacteria (n): the back door of a cafeteria. Benign (adj): what you be after you be eight. Dilate (v): to live a long life. Fibula (n): a small lie. Morbid (adj): a higher offer. Node (v): past tense of knew. Tumour (n): one more than one more. Arbitrator (n): a cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s. Avoidable (v): what a bullfighter tries to do. Burglarize (n): what a crook sees with. Parasites (n): what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Balderdash (n): a rapidly receding hairline. Flatulence (n): emergency vehicle to pick up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. Lymph (v): to walk with a lisp. Oxymoron (n): someone who is as dumb as an ox. Aftermath (n): relaxation after an algebra class. Hangover (n): the wrath of grapes. Immature (adj): a word used by boring people to describe fun people. Carcolepsy (adj): the tendency to fall asleep as soon as the car starts moving. Fauxpology (n): an insincere expression of regret. Nonversation (n): a completely meaningless or useless conversation. Pregret (v): to know what you’re about to do is absolutely wrong while also knowing you will do it anyway. Suckrifice (n): doing what you absolutely must do, even though you really, really hate it. Textpectation (n): the anticipation felt when awaiting a response to a text. A carpella (adj): sung (badly) while listening to music using headphones. Synonym (n): a word used in place of the one you can’t spell. Yawn (v): silently shouting for others to shut up. Pharmacist (n): a person trained just to read doctors’ handwriting. Bed (n): my favorite hello and hardest goodbye. Besides, I’ve done enough argle-bargle for one day. Argle-bargle (n): copious but meaningless writing. I’ll end with one more, on the slim chance that this wasn’t one of your favorite columns: Epiphinot (n): an epiphany that isn’t all that great.

 

IMPONDERABLES

 ENGLISH CAN BE FUN

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute......

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

6. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

7. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

8. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

9. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

11. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

14. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?

15. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

16. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

17. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards

18. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool ?

19. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

20. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo

21. I’ve just finished reading a book about the world’s greatest basement…..It was a best cellar.

22. It’s my first week working at the bicycle factory and they already made me a spokesperson.

23. My laptop caught pneumonia, apparently because I left Windows open. 

24. I thought swimming with Dolphins was expensive until I went swimming with sharks….It cost me an arm and a leg.

25. The main function of your big toe is to make sure all the furniture in the house is in the right place.

26. Horses have lower divorce rates. It’s because they are in stable relationships.

27. It’s pretty obvious that if I run in front of a car I will get tired but if I run behind a car will I get exhausted.

28. My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them you just wait.

29. 90% of bald people still own a comb; they just can’t part with it.

30. Every morning I get hit by the same bicycle……It’s a vicious cycle.

31. The word incorrectly is spelled incorrectly in every dictionary.

32. I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer. People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

33. The other day I yelled into a colander and I strained my voice.

34. What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backwards?... A receding hare line.

35. Always trust a nudist……They have nothing to hide …

36. Home (n.) The place where you trust the toilet seat.

37. English Teacher (n.) A person who puts more thought into a novel than the original author ever did.

38. Sibling (n.) You’d give them your kidney but you won’t let them borrow your charger.

39. Etc. (abb .) End of thinking capacity.

40. I’m fine (phr.) Not dead. Still alive.

41. Friend (n.) Someone who listens to your bullshit, tells you it’s bullshit, and then listens to some more.

42. Everything happens for a reason (phr.)  Sometimes the reason is you’re stupid and make bad decisions.

43. Psychopaths (n.) People who watch scary movies for fun and sleep fine afterwards.

44. Happiness (n.) Not having to set the alarm clock for the next day.

45. I’m going to sleep early tonight (phr.) The biggest lie you tell yourself.

46. Dad (n.) A person who has no clue what’s inside when you open a gift labelled “From Mom & Dad”.

DESI PUNS

1. Laxman to Sīta: Stay offline

2. The changing tax rates are too TDS.

3. My watch is stuck between 2 and 2:30; it's a do or dhai situation

4. Vishwanathan Anand gets tense when the waiter asks, 'Check de doon'

5. A potato was grilled by cops; after two hours of torture, it gave in, 'Main Batata hun, main Batata hun...'

6. A well-executed theft without any fingerprints is a stainless steal.

7. Friends pay food bills on a de-tu-de basis

8. 'I laughed yesterday' in Hindi, 'Michael Hussey'

9. An old lady asked me the way to the temple; I replied, 'Magistrate'

10. Rahul Dravid's wristwatch is technically a wall clock

11. Toll Booths are nothing but Bill Gates

12. The way to the cemetery, 'Go straight and take the last rite.'

KEEP LAUGHING

Wife was busy in packing her clothes.
Husband - Where are you going ?
Wife - I'm moving to my mother.
Husband also starts packing his clothes.
Wife - Now where are you going ?
Husband - I'm also moving to my mother.
Wife - And what about the kids ?
Husband - Well I guess ... If you are moving to your mother and I'm moving to my mother ... They should move to their mother.
Clothes unpacked!

Wife : "why are u home so early?"
Hubby : "My boss said go to hell!"

Doctor : How is ur headache ?
Patient : she's out of town.

No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life:
(1) Mobile
(2) Automobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife
Because, there is always a better model in neighbourhood

Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:
All girls are devils, but my wife is the queen of them.

Q - Why can't Women Drive well? 🚗
Ans - Because there are so many mirrors in a car to distract them..

Q - If a Woman is Quiet, which day is it?
Ans - Who Cares, just Enjoy that Day..

The woman who invented the phrase ...
"All men are the same" was a Chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd.

There are 3 kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
Rest get married and wonder what happened....

Wives are magicians........
They can change anything into an argument.

Women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, as compared to men. WHY?
A very INTELLIGENT man replied: Women don't have a wife!

There is some wisdom here...

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.

“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo."

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.

Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Now, I'm wondering . . . did I send this to you, did you send it to me or have I only sent it to myself.

You don't need anger management. You need people to stop irritating you.

Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

"On time" is, when you get there.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.

It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller.

Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

One for the road means peeing before you leave the house 🥳

BRITISH CHURCH HUMOUR*

Church Bulletins! These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins.

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.

The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.Bring your husbands.

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

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Don't let worry kill you off, let the Church help.

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Me: Would it be okay to kiss a nun?

Sister Ignatius: I guess so; just don’t get into the habit.