- Stalemate (n): a
leading cause of divorce.
- Etc. (abb): an
abbreviation that makes others think you know more than you actually do.
- Cellfish (n): an
individual who continues talking on their phone to the point of being rude or
inconsiderate to other people.
- Carnation (n): a
country where everyone owns an automobile.
- Nitrate (n): the
price after sundown.
- Askhole (n):
someone who asks many stupid, pointless, or obnoxious questions.
- Unlightening (v):
learning something that makes you dumber.
- Juggersnot (n): a
huge impending sneeze you can’t prevent.
- Syntax (n): tariff
on immorality.
- Blonde jokes (n):
jokes short enough for men to understand.
- Cantaloupe (n):
when you have to get married in a church.
- Eternity (n): the
last two minutes of a football game.
- Snaccident (n):
eating an entire bag of chips by mistake.
- Thesaurus (n): a
dinosaur that studies words.
- Congress (n): the
opposite of progress.
- Biology (n): the
scientific study of the number two.
- Bide (v): past
tense of buy.
- Goad (v): past
tense of go.
- Artery (n): the
study of paintings.
- Bacteria (n): the
back door of a cafeteria.
- Benign (adj): what
you be after you be eight.
- Dilate (v): to live
a long life.
- Morbid (adj): a
higher offer.
- Node (v): past
tense of knew.
- Tumour (n): one
more than one more.
- Arbitrator (n): a
cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.
- Avoidable (v): what
a bullfighter tries to do.
- Burglarize (n):
what a crook sees with.
- Parasites (n): what
you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
- Balderdash (n): a
rapidly receding hairline.
- Flatulence (n):
emergency vehicle to pick up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
- Lymph (v): to walk
with a lisp.
- Oxymoron (n):
someone who is as dumb as an ox.
- Aftermath (n):
relaxation after an algebra class.
- Hangover (n): the
wrath of grapes.
- Immature (adj): a
word used by boring people to describe fun people.
- Carcolepsy (adj):
the tendency to fall asleep as soon as the car starts moving.
- Fauxpology (n): an
insincere expression of regret.
- Nonversation (n): a
completely meaningless or useless conversation.
- Pregret (v): to
know what you’re about to do is absolutely wrong while also knowing you will
do it anyway.
- Suckrifice (n):
doing what you absolutely must do, even though you really, really hate it.
- Textpectation (n):
the anticipation felt when awaiting a response to a text.
- A carpella (adj):
sung (badly) while listening to music using headphones.
- Synonym (n): a word
used in place of the one you can’t spell.
- Yawn (v): silently
shouting for others to shut up.
- Pharmacist (n): a
person trained just to read doctors’ handwriting.
- Bed (n): my
favorite hello and hardest goodbye. Besides, I’ve done enough argle-bargle
for one day.
- Argle-bargle (n):
copious but meaningless writing. I’ll end with one more, on the slim chance
that this wasn’t one of your favorite columns:
- Epiphinot (n): an
epiphany that isn’t all that great.
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