MICK AND SANTA IN CYBERLAND

MICK SELLS SANTA A COMPUTER

MICK: TWINKLE Computer store. Can I help you?

SANTA: Thank you. I'm setting up an office and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
MICK: Mac?
SANTA: No, the name's SANTA.
MICK: Your computer?
SANTA: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
MICK: Mac?
SANTA: I told you, my name's SANTA.
MICK: What about Windows?
SANTA: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
MICK: Do you want a computer with Windows?
SANTA: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
MICK: Wallpaper.
SANTA: What if I don't like wallpaper?
MICK: Just change it.
SANTA: Isn't that expensive?
MICK: No, it's free with Windows.
SANTA: I have to buy the Windows to get the wallpaper.
MICK: It's free if you buy the computer.
SANTA: They give you windows for your office if you buy a computer.
MICK: Certainly!
SANTA: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
MICK: Software for Windows?
SANTA: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
MICK: Office.
SANTA: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
MICK: I just did.
SANTA: You just did what?
MICK: Recommend something.
SANTA: You recommended something?
MICK: Yes.
SANTA: For my office?
MICK: Yes.
SANTA: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
MICK: Office.
SANTA: Yes, for my office!
MICK: I recommend Office with Windows.
SANTA: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I'm at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
MICK: Word.
SANTA: What word?
MICK: Word in Office.
SANTA: The only word in office is office.
MICK: The Word in Office for Windows.
SANTA: Which word in office for windows?
MICK: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
SANTA: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
MICK: Yes, you want Real.
SANTA: Sure I may want to watch a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
MICK: Real.
SANTA: Well, I don’t want a fake one!
MICK: Of course.
SANTA: So what do I get?
MICK: Real Player.
SANTA: Yes, I want a Real Player.
MICK: And you’ll have one.
SANTA: A Real Player?
MICK: Certainly.
SANTA: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
MICK: You click the blue "r".
SANTA: I click the blue what?
MICK: The blue "r".
SANTA: The blue “r” what?
MICK: Just the blue “r”
SANTA: The blue “r” what?
MICK: The blue “r” nothing.
SANTA: If the blue “r” nothing, how do I watch the movie?
MICK: You click the blue “r”
SANTA: Is that different from the blue w?
MICK: The blue "r" is the Real Player and the blue "W" is Word.
SANTA: What word?
MICK: The Word in Office for Windows.
SANTA: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
MICK: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
SANTA: What is?
MICK: Word.
SANTA: Word?
MICK: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. Word pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
SANTA: Word?
MICK: Woooord, mate!
SANTA: I don’t know what you’re talking about! What about bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
MICK: Money.
SANTA: That's right. What do you have?
MICK: Money.
SANTA: I need money to track my money?
MICK: It comes bundled with your computer.
SANTA: What's bundled with my computer?
MICK: Money.
SANTA: Money comes with my computer?
MICK: Yes. No extra charge.
SANTA: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
MICK: One copy.
SANTA: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
MICK: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
SANTA: They can give you a license to copy money?
MICK: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
SANTA: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
MICK: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
SANTA: Well, what do you sell in its place?
MICK: Money.
SANTA: You sell money?
MICK: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
SANTA: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
MICK: Simply Accounting.
SANTA: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
MICK: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
SANTA: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
MICK: Mind Your Own Business.
SANTA: I beg your pardon?
MICK: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
SANTA: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.
MICK: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
SANTA: More money?
MICK: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
SANTA: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
MICK: GoBack.
SANTA: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
MICK: GoBack.
SANTA: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
MICK: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
SANTA: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
MICK: Word.
SANTA: What word?
MICK: Word in Office.
SANTA: Don’t start that again.
MICK: Hullo. . .Hullo. . . Customers, I tell you!

A FEW DAYS LATER . . .

MICK: TWINKLE computer store. Can I help you?
SANTA: How do I turn my computer off?
MICK: Click on "START".
SANTA: Now don't you start that again....
MICK: But I thought you wanted to "STOP".
SANTA: That's right. This thing has been on for 3 days and I can't find the "STOP" button.
MICK: Click on "START".
SANTA: I don't wanna start!
MICK: But you have to click on "START".
SANTA: Why do I have to click on "START"?
MICK: So you can stop.....
SANTA: So I have to click on "START" to "STOP"?
MICK: That's so you can log off.
SANTA: I click "START" and then I log off.
MICK: That's right, you log off.
SANTA: I log off.
MICK: That's right, now go ahead and log off.
SANTA; What if I don't have a log. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A FIREPLACE!!!!!
MICK: No, you don't need a log. You just want to get the computer out of Windows.
SANTA: Which ones?
MICK: Which what?
SANTA: Which Windows?
MICK: The only Windows you've got.
SANTA: So it doesn't matter which Windows?
MICK: You just want to get out of Windows.

(Sound of wood and metal scraping followed by breaking glass)

MICK: Hey, what was that?
SANTA: Oh, I threw the computer out the front windows!
MICK: You what?!!!
SANTA: You said it didn't matter which windows, so the front windows were closer than the back ones.... 




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Disclaimer

I believe the original was written some 15 years ago by one Thomas King, but there are over 20 versions floating around on the net. I am grateful to whoever. . . I have no intentions of demeaning or making fun of anybody or any caste/creed/race. Similarities, if any, are purely coincidental.