LAFF IT OFF

HUMOUR IN AND OUT OF UNIFORM 

I’ve just finished reading a book about the world’s greatest basement…..It was a best cellar.

It’s my first week working at the bicycle factory and they already made me a spokesperson.

My laptop caught pneumonia, apparently because I left Windows open. 

I thought swimming with Dolphins was expensive until I went swimming with sharks….It cost me an arm and a leg.

The main function of your big toe is to make sure all the furniture in the house is in the right place.

Horses have lower divorce rates. It’s because they are in stable relationships.

It’s pretty obvious that if I run in front of a car I will get tired but if I run behind a car will I get exhausted.

My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.    I told them you just wait.

90 % of bald people still own a comb; they just can’t part with it.

Every morning I get hit by the same bicycle……It’s a vicious cycle.

The word incorrectly is spelled incorrectly in every dictionary.

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.   People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

The other day I yelled into a colander and I strained my voice.

What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backwards?... A receding hare line.

Always trust a nudist……They have nothing to hide …

Home (n.) The place where you trust the toilet seat.

English Teacher (n.) A person who puts more thought into a novel than the original author ever did.

Sibling (n.) You’d give them your kidney but you won’t let them borrow your charger.

Etc. (abb .) End of thinking capacity.

I’m fine (phr.) Not dead. Still alive.

Friend (n.) Someone who listens to your bullshit, tells you it’s bullshit, and then listens to some more.

Everything happens for a reason (phr.)  Sometimes the reason is you’re stupid and make bad decisions.

Psychopaths (n.) People who watch scary movies for fun and sleep fine afterwards.

Happiness (n.) Not having to set the alarm clock for the next day.

I’m going to sleep early tonight (phr.) The biggest lie you tell yourself.

Dad (n.) A person who has no clue what’s inside when you open a gift labelled “From Mom & Dad”.