TWISTS AND TURNS

PUN TIME

NAUGHTY ONES:

Never dance naked because the body has parts that do not stop moving when the music stops.

Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard. Though not always

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself.

Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society; but always remember who laid them!

Education is like hiring a prostitute, it needs both money & hard work.

When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of reason goes un-wiped.

Men play the game. Women know the score.

Wives are funny creatures... They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does!

Guys are like roses, just watch out for the pricks.

College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in and nine months later you wish you'd never come.

Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you are the same sperm that won a battle against a million others.

The girl who remembers her first kiss now, has a daughter who can't even remember her first husband.

Here is the definition of divorce...She gets the ring and the man gets the finger!

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Confucius say...... Man who puts hand in bush is not always a gardener.

A botany student has brought to our attention the fact, that penis is the only thing that has to be grown before it is planted.

LESS NAUGHTY ONES

How does an attorney sleep ?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work

How do you make holy water ?
You take some water & boil the hell out of it

Will glass coffins be a success ?
Remains to be seen

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.
One asks, “what’s your favorite kind of music ?”
The other says, “I'm a big metal fan”

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma ?
There’s no menu ,you get what you deserve

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday, but couldn't find any

What do you call a bee that can’t quite make up its mind ?
A maybe 

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case

If and when everything is coming your way,  you're in the wrong lane

She had a photographic memory, but never developed it

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today ?
I don't know and don't really care

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then i changed my mind

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population ?
Ireland of course. It’s Dublin everyday

My ex-wife still misses me,  but her aim is starting to improve

The guy who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize

I saw an ad for burial plots, and i thought : “that’s the last thing I need !”

Need an ark ?I noah guy

I used to be indecisive;
Now I'm not so sure

Sleeping comes so naturally to me that i can do it with my eyes closed

What did the grape say when it got stepped on ?
Nothing. But, it let out a little w(h)ine

What do you call a very articulate dinosaur with a good vocabulary ?
A Thesaurus!

 Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm great at multi-tasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

Take my advice — I'm not using it.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.

My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test. The other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it. 

Now for elder statesmen's pithy comments:

Newton said he'd drop in.

Socrates said he'd think about it.

Ohm resisted the idea.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.

Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.

Volta was electrified at the prospect.

Pavlov positively drooled at the thought.

Ampere was worried he wasn't current enough though alternately none were.

Audubon said he'd have to wing it.

Edison thought it would be illuminating.

Einstein said it would be relatively easy to attend.

Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.

Dr Jekyll declined - he said he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

Morse said, "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."

Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetism.

Hertz said he planned to attend with greater frequency in the future.

Watt thought it would be a good way to let off steam.

Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

And Dr. Sigmund Freud couldn't help but give it the slip!

WHO ARE GRANDPARENTS?
Written by a 6th Std child.

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own.

They always like other people's children also.

They come after a few months and live at the airport from where we need to pick them up and later drop back too.

A grandfather is a man, and a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents like to shop at D-mart.

They are always old people.

It is good when they bring lollipops and home-made sweets.

Grandparents often take some medicines during the day and before going to bed.

Whenever they take us out for walks, they walk slowly. They don't run around in the park.

They don't say bad words, like my brother.

Usually they drink tea or coffee in the morning.

They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth out for brushing. They usually need a stick or a chair with wheels to be mobile.

Grandparents are smart and give us a lot of general knowledge.

Grandma always makes tastier food than Mom.

Grandpa often tells us stories that are better than Harry Potter.

Grandparents don't fight like Mom and Dad

Everybody should try to have a grandmother and a grandfather.

They say prayers with us and kiss us. They like to go to bed early and frequently doze off while watching TV from their favourite recliner/sofa.

Grandpa is the smartest man on earth but somehow still forgets his glasses all over the house! Often he misplaces the remote control of the TV and needs help to find it.