TWISTS AND TURNS

PUN TIME

How does an attorney sleep ?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work

How do you make holy water ?
You take some water & boil the hell out of it

Will glass coffins be a success ?
Remains to be seen

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.
One asks, “what’s your favorite kind of music ?”
The other says, “I'm a big metal fan”

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma ?
There’s no menu ,you get what you deserve

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday, but couldn't find any

What do you call a bee that can’t quite make up its mind ?
A maybe 

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case

If and when everything is coming your way,  you're in the wrong lane

She had a photographic memory, but never developed it

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today ?
I don't know and don't really care

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then i changed my mind

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population ?
Ireland of course. It’s Dublin everyday

My ex-wife still misses me,  but her aim is starting to improve

The guy who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize

I saw an ad for burial plots, and i thought : “that’s the last thing I need !”

Need an ark ?I noah guy

I used to be indecisive;
Now I'm not so sure

Sleeping comes so naturally to me that i can do it with my eyes closed

What did the grape say when it got stepped on ?
Nothing. But, it let out a little w(h)ine

What do you call a very articulate dinosaur with a good vocabulary ?
A Thesaurus!

 Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm great at multi-tasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

Take my advice — I'm not using it.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.

My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test. The other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it. ,/p>