Gp Capt Noel Moitra  VM

1. An alumnus of Loyola School and Junior College, Pune, I hold a Diploma in German, obtained in 1972 from Goethe-Institut at Max Mueller Bhavan, Pune. A linguist, I speak French, Hindi and three other regional languages.
2. Passed SSLC Exam with Distinction.
3. 1st in UPSC Selection Exam (Air Force) for the National Defence Academy.
4. 1st in NDA Air Branch Cadets written tests.
5. 1st in Flying Instructors School, Tambaram, Chennai.
6. Bagged Majithia Trophy with record marks that still stand.
7. Did my QFI tenure at AFA




8. 

   The Majithia Trophy Presented by Air Mshl BW Chauhan

   
   
9. Inducted MiG-21 bis in 1976.
10. Fastest 1,000 hrs on the MiG-21 bis.
11. Appointed sub-editor for the Air Force Flight Safety Magazine
12. Inducted Mirage 2000 aircraft in 1985, after a 10-month training period.
13. Only pilot to induct 2 types of aircraft.
14. Fastest 1,000 hours on the Mirage 2000 in the world.
15. Edited all IAF Coffee Tables from 1990 to 1996.
16. Staff Officer to 2 Air Chiefs.
17. Edited all that they wrote, from important letters to newspaper releases, compliments to obituaries.
18. Did 3 months of flying cross-training in reunited Germany.
19. Commanded a Mirage 2000 Squadron.
20. Awarded Vayu Sena Medal in '93.
21. Only pilot to have fired a S-530D BVR missile; it cost as much as a Mig 21 Bis.
22. Base Cdr at that Station, with 15,000 heads.
23. 1st in Staff College Entrance exam.
24. Did Staff Course in UK.
25. Did my BBA in the UK (University of Reading).
26. Did AREA Course in Japan.
27. Post-retirement, joined a publishing firm, Contact Communications and started commercial journalism, both writing and editing.
28. Raised its Technical Magazine to a level where it was rated an excellent Asian Technical Magazine at IMB, Cologne.
29. Rated best Editor/Writer (English-Asia) at a/m IMB in 2006. 
30. Hired immediately by a leading global aerospace and air armament concern and worked with them till 2010. 
31. Freelance editor/writer background.  
32. Equally fluent in both UK and US English. 
33. Was Editor-in-Chief Cypriot Smart Media Group, Macs Marketing, with their own website macsads.com/ It is still to recover after the Corona pandemic.
34. Their website written by me still stands, https://4viptour.com/en

                                       

                                                  MORE INFORMAL DATA

Preliminary Data:

DIVERSE SKILLS

Ø  Intelligent, sharp, hard-working, focussed, punctual, work-oriented and a team player.

Ø  Invariably ranked first, since cadet days in 1967, in ALL courses undergone.

Ø  Professional Military Pilot with 33 years of experience in the Indian Air Force (IAF).

Ø Became Instrument Rating Examiner on MiG-21 aircraft.

Ø  Instructor in Flying and Flying-related subjects since 1980. Ranked 1st in the entry course.

Ø  Tested air/ground crew on Mirage-2000 aircraft as sole Air Force Examiner for 5 years.

Ø  Staff Officer to two Air Chiefs, the highest and most prestigious post in that rank (Lt. Col.).

Ø  Wrote over six speeches/obituaries/prefaces/messages/presentations, etc. for both daily, 6 days a week.

Ø  Specialist in editing and formatting mainly official letters and documents, as well as memos, minutes and reports.

Ø  Considerable HR experience, commanding a Flying Squadron and later as Base Commander at an airbase housing 15,000 bodies.

Ø   Awarded VM (DFC) 1993

Ø  Widely travelled, with 56 countries visited, before and after Service.

JOB-RELATED

Ø  Only pilot in the IAF to induct two new types of aircraft.

Ø  Fastest 1,000 hours on both types.

Ø  Wrote a Service Paper on gainful employment of Air Combat Missiles, another first.

Ø  Acclaimed specialist in Low-Intensity Conflict. Have written a thesis, unfortunately ‘classified’, on that subject.

Ø  Have appeared on radio talk shows on the Kashmir issue.

Ø  First writer on a new airflow control device. It has been included in the Aerodynamics  Syllabus for aircrew, as https:// noelsramblings.blogspot.com/ 2023/05/vortilons.html

Ø  First writer on Turning Theory, including FBW aircraft.

  

                    ACM SK MEHRA, CHIEF OF AIR STAFF CONGRATULATING ME ON CROSSING 1000 HOURS                 ON THE MIRAGE-2000

OTHER QUALIFICATIONS

Ø Master of Ceremonies at all types of occasions, including Ceremonial like Parades, Awards Functions, etc. Commentator at Field Hockey, Soccer and Tennis matches. Commentator at IAF Republic Day Flypasts for 12 years.

Ø Have absolute command over the English language and the nuances, inflexions and subtleties that differentiate the exceptional from the excellent (Nickname: Thesaurix).   

Ø In my spare time, taught the English language in a syllabus-oriented open forum for airmen. Gave one-on-one tuition to promising students.

Ø Quizmaster at Scindia School for a bi-annual all-India High School meet for 6 years

Ø Did my Masters in English Literature.

Ø An Indian native English speaker, I have done my education and over 95% of my work in Queen’s English.

Ø Equally at home in US English.

Ø Speech and Content writer of repute.

Ø After retirement, edited 3 trade magazines for 4 years -TrendFusion, StitchWorld and  ApparelOnline.

Ø Wrote Academic/Technical articles while editing and proofreading magazines, pamphlets, novels, novellas, academic & other non-fiction educational works, theses and website content.

Ø Responsible for the proofed content of the company's two websites.

Ø Specialist on the WTO, particularly on the Agreement on Textiles and Clothing (ATC) and all restrictions thereunder(quotas); Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR); the ISO 9000 family of quality control mechanisms; ILO’s SA 8000, etc.

Ø Founder member of StitchWorld International Forum of Technologists (SWIFT), which examined, amongst a host of other issues, what was amiss in Indian workplace ethics, motivation, HRM and the tricky issue of gender discrimination.

Ø Check out: http://www.stitchworld.net/display0.asp?msg=1121&cat=13 and http://www.stitchworld.net/display1.asp?msg=446&cat=TechEvents both written by me. I feature in one of the photographs in the latter.

Ø Have written ~9000 articles/blogs, edited over 50,000 articles and proofread over 75 million words in MS Word, the microscopic Adobe Pagemaker and the Highlighter/Sticky note method.

Ø Edited pamphlets, novels, novellas, academic & other non-fiction educational works.

Ø Did my Masters in Defence Science.

Ø My last job required me to write Military Aviation Concepts and White Papers for my employer and prepare Powerpoint Presentations for them. My contract expired in November 2012.

Ø Read speak and write German fluently.

Ø Taught Personal Finance at Sriram High School two hours a week. 

Ø Help non-native English speakers get exceptional grades.

 First Mirage-2000 landing on a highway

FAMILY DETAILS

Ø Married in 1979. My wife holds a Masters in Sociology and assists me if ever required.

Ø  Have a son, an MBA/BTech, working with Alvares & Marsal in Manhattan, NY, USA.

Ø  Have a daughter, who after 1½ years in the Hospitality Industry, two years with Kingfisher Airlines as an in-flight cabin assistant, is on Faculty in Sriram School, Gurgaon.

Ø  Both are married.

Ø  I have no encumbrances of any sort.

Congratulated by the Base Cdr on landing after crossing 1000 hrs on type

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Now that you have an idea about me, let's talk money. If you entertain any cheap notions, you are at the wrong site. 

“Annual financial figures for 2008-09, released by Elance.com show that Gp Capt (R) Noel A Moitra is in the top 1% in terms of rates charged for his work ($930 per client), a reflection of his exceptional skills at meeting the complex demands of a very selective clientele.” For 2009-10, it was $695 per client.

                                                             

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Ø  MS Excel Spread Sheets and Database Management System: US$ 60.00 per hour.
     
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Ø  At Indian Forums: Rs. 30,000 for 15 minutes.

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Ø  Powerpoint Presentations: Rs. 3000/- or $80 per slide. On PD/DVD/CD, as required. 

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Ø  I offer Indian agencies a 10% discount.

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2.  "Non-standardization and non-compatibility definitely assure monopoly." 

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CARDIAC SURGERY

MEMORIES OF A BROKEN AND MENDED HEART

I suffered a heart attack about 16 years ago. Here is my account of what happened:

As I was rushed to Escorts Cardiac ICU, I just had this sinking feeling in my heart. Just like the one before you enter the Viva Voce hall and see the most khadoos examiner in place, only worse.

The resident there was quite courteous, "Sir, How are you feeling?"

I looked at him groggily and whispered, "Just like Rakhi Sawant!"

He looked at me perplexed. I continued and said, "I feel an unnatural weight on my chest."

The resident didn't know whether to send me off to the Psychiatry ward or not. I said, "Aare Baba, ECG nikaal, nahi toh main nikal jaoonga!"

The funniest part of my heart attack, or "cardiac event" as the doctor there insisted on calling it, was that there was no pain. That would come afterwards when they presented me the bill. But for now I was painless.

"Do you smoke?" persisted the resident.

"I have never tried burning myself, but probably would." My wife nudged me and intervened, "He does not smoke or drink. Just keeps cracking these pointless PJs."

The resident promptly scribbled something on the pad. He probably wrote that the patient was delirious. After peering with screwed eyes at my ECG he said, "Q wave changes."

I said, "I give up. You tell me."

"What?"

"I don't know Kyon wave changes. You tell me."

The resident stopped telling me anything else. He turned to my wife and said, "It seems to be a Minor Infarct."

I don't know what it is with doctors. How can you call any heart infarct minor? If there is an infarct, it is a major thing, at least for the patient. There was also some depressing talk about ST depressions. Here I felt as if an ST bus was driving over my chest, who bothered whether that ST was depressed or happy?

I was immediately admitted to the ICCU and posted for an Angiography the next day. One piece of advice to all Cardiac care units: If you do not want your heart patients to have any further attacks, do not appoint such lovely young nurses. Most of the nurses in the entire world are from Kerala. If all the nurses return home, all the hospitals in the world will come to a stop..And there will be no standing space in Kerala.

There were big notices posted outside the door of the ICCU. "No Visitors" and no "No Mobiles". Okay, so there would be no breaking news dispatches from me. Soon a pretty, young Malayali nurse came and told me "Gaana Gaaneka nai."

This came as a shock to me. Not that I wanted to break out into a song and dance routine. I could understand that visitors might disturb the patient, or even the mobiles. But songs? How could anyone be so unmusical?

I said Okay but was a bit miffed. After many pricks and monitors on my body, half an hour later another pretty young thing came and told me "Gaana Gaaneka nai!"

I was a bit angry. I said, "Yeah! Yeah! Someone told me before also."

But this really intrigued me. Why were they so strict about songs? If they had said that I could not dance due to my heart condition, I could have accepted that. But never in my long medical education had I been warned that singing was bad for cardiac health. I wondered if this was a new advance.

The mystery was cleared when the next Malayali sister, who appeared to be their head nurse, came and explained to me, "Sir, Aap ka blood samble subay saat ko hai. Toh abi Gaana Gaaneka nai. Phir Kaali pet samble lene ke baad Gaana Gaaneka."

I immediately added an interpreter to my mental suggestion box. It must be really tough to interpret Gaana as Khaana. But the Mallus can't help their accent.

After a relatively painless night, mainly because relatives were not allowed, and also due to the various drips and things, I woke up to the prick of a blood 'Samble'. Then I was allowed to 'Gaana Gaaneko'.

All the tests gave worse and worse news. There was an inferior wall infarct which the Cardiologist insisted on calling minor. (I hoped he would remember this while billing me.) My Trop T was raised. In short, this is a help call from the heart. I was posted for angiography and an SOS plasty the next day after stabilisation.

On the morning of the procedure, I got the shock of my life, when a grim looking man entered my room and sent my wife out. He then locked the room and took out a large and sharp glistening razor. Omigosh! This was not how they performed operations, at least not during the last century. Or was this a scene from an assassin movie? The man then turned to me and smiled and said that he had come to shave me for the procedure.

I sighed with relief. One always wants to look nice and presentable for important occasions even if they be the gallows. I smiled back at him and jutted out my chin at him for easy access. But he ignored my chin and pulled down my pajamas. I shrieked, "Hey, Its my heart that is amiss."

"Yes Sir. We need to shave your groin!" Groan Groan!

Five minutes later, I was all spick and span and presentable for my planned procedure. Calling it a procedure, reduces the fear factor from it. If you call it an operation, which it is, you might suffer a further attack. If you call it a butchery, which it sometimes can be, then you need not go to the procedure. I proceeded with a sinking heart, if it could sink any more, to the operation room, which they call a cath lab. It's all about euphemism.

When I entered the 'Cath lab', I found it extremely cold. Was the AC at full blast or was I frightened or was my heart not pumping enough blood? Probably all three. There was soft music playing Hindi songs in the background. The nurse told me to remove all my clothes and lie down on a narrow table. I have already mentioned the weather conditions, so it did not help that here I was completely nude like a fresh plucked chicken, lying on a table, with half my respective buttocks spilling out of the respective sides of the table. The AC vent was directed towards the exact centre of my body.

The Hindi song playing was "Haste Gaate yahan se gujar, Duniya ki tu parwa na kar." That was very kind of my namesake Kishoreda to remind me how to face this ordeal. But I was very frightened. His next verse also told me, "Maut ani hai ayegi ek din, Jaan jaani hai jaayegi ek din, Aisi baton se kya ghabarana, Yaha kal kya ho kisne jaana?" I almost burst out yodeling along with him . OOdle di OOd le di Ooo oo.

The anesthetist approached me and saw me smiling. He was confused. Was this guy so frightened that he was smiling? How could I tell him that I was marveling at Kishoreda's accurate advice to me, a smaller Kishore Kumar.

Then came the good part. Many layers of warm clothes were laid on me. I was shivering, but no longer like the Antarctica. It was more like Shimla now.

The Cardiologist told me that I would now feel a little pain in my groin.

Most appropriately, the song playing now was "Dil hai kaha aur Dard kaha". I smiled and said, "Right, Doc. Go ahead."

I won't go into the gruesome details, but what was visible to me and the entire team there was that my Right Coronary artery was nearly completely blocked. The doctor said, "Yes, a stent will be required.

“Sir, should we insert an Endeavor drug eluting stent?"

I felt ashamed to admit to him that I didn't know a thing about stents. Being a pilot, I only knew about stunts. So I asked him, "What is the difference between this one and the other one?" I didn't know the name of the other one, so I cloaked it in the anonymity of 'the other one'. He said, "There are many differences, but the main one is in the price."

"Then I think you should ask my wife, because she is the one with the purse as well as the purse strings."

After a brief consultation, my wife decided that her husband was after all worth a bit more than this costly stent. But the effect was magical. In front of my eyes, I could see a withered autumn tree of heart vasculature suddenly burst out in full spring glory of new tributaries.

Thus I came out of the 'lab' a new and reborn man. It seemed as if I had thrown off my school shirt and worn a new comfy and roomy one. It was as if I had exchanged Adnan Sami's new shirt for his older ones. No more tightness around the chest. The song playing in the lab when I came out was appropriately "Aaj Main jawaan ho gayi hoon. Gul se gulistan ho gayi hoon."

When I returned home from the hospital after paying the bill, I realized that the old proverb was probably coined by a cardiologist.

Which proverb?

It's the one that says: Jaan bachi, Lakho paye.

Thus my heart tried to spring me a surprise. So I surprised it with a spring into my heart. Now I walk with a spring in my step and one in my heart too!" 

BUNDI PALACE

 THE WORK OF GOBLINS RATHER THAN OF MEN

The Bundi Palace with Taragarh Fort walls visible at the topmost portion

Jeypore Palace may be called the Versailles of India; Udaipur's House of State is dwarfed by the hills round it and the spread of the Pichola Lake; Jodhpur's House of strife, gray towers on red rock, is the work of giants, but the Palace of Bundi, even in broad daylight, is such a palace as men build for themselves in uneasy dreams-- the work of goblins rather than of men. Rudyard Kipling 1887

Bundi is a city and a municipality of approximately 95,000 inhabitants in the Hadoti region of Rajasthan state in northwest India. It is of particular architectural note for its ornate forts, palaces, and stepwell reservoirs known as baoris. It is the administrative headquarters of Bundi District. Bundi is situated about 35 km from Kota and 210 km from Jaipur.

Bundi Palace: General description or information about Bundi Palace is rather limited or just duplicated in most websites detailing Bundi today. Bundi (Garh) Palace takes pride of place amongst the Forts and Palaces in Bundi, situated on the side of the hill below but adjacent to the Taragarh Fort. The palace is accessed from the bazaar (north-western end. Originally thought to be built during the 16th and 17th centuries, using stone from local quarries, this outstanding palace represents classic Rajasthani architecture, liberally sprinkled with delicately carved brackets, pillars, balconies and sculpted elephants, crowned by breathtakingly dazzling friezes. However, its construction is now dated to 1598 CE. Moreover, confusion between the Hindu calendar and the Gregorian has led to overlapping periods of reign of various rulers. Rulers were permitted by the Mughals to call themselves Rao, then Rao Raja and finally, by the British, Rao Maharajas. The monuments are closed to the public.  

A closer look at the Palaces 

The Royal Lineage: The list of rulers relevant to this chronicle is given below.

• Rao Bhoj Singh ( 1585- 1607)
• Rao Rattan Singh (1607-31)
• Rao Chhattar Sal (1632-58)
• Rao Bhao Singh (1658-78) the eldest son of Chhattar Sal
• Rao Anirudh Singh (1682 - 1696) grandnephew of Bhao Singh
• Rao Budh Singh (1696 to 1735)
• Rao Ummed Singh (1749-1770).14 years remain unaccounted for.   
• Rao Raja Bishan Singh (1773-1821) 
• Maharao Raja Ram Singh (1821-89)
• Rao Raja Raghubir Singh (1889-1927)
• The Core of Bundi Palace:

Rao Bhoj Singh’s audience hall, the Hathiyansal, facing Chattar Mahal (Rao Chhattar Sal’s creation) is the earliest of the major buildings remaining within Bundi Palace. Built by Rao Bhoj Singh (1585-1607), this remainder of Rao Bhoj Singh’s palace is dated S.1655 (1598 CE). Bhoj was the father of Rao Ratan Singh, who built his own audience hall, the Ratan Daulat, on a larger and different building concept, with unique style, sense of space, quality of work, and physical orientation. Ratan Singh’s palace, Ratan Mahal, is behind Ratan Daulat. The inference is obvious: The palaces of these three key rulers of Bundi are closely interrelated, physically as well as dynastically; they form the historic core of Bundi Palace, the core from which later buildings extended. 

Stepping Back Into History: 

The Palace of Raj Bhoj: The Hathiyansal, The Phul Mahal, and The Badal Mahal: When the palace was in use, Hathipol would have been very active. All arrivals and departures took place here, as you could access public/private quarters, including, via secreted passages, the zenana. A stepway on the right led to a raised gallery and into the Ratan Daulat, an audience hall built by Rao Ratan Singh (1607-1631).

This was a high and open hall overlooking the western entrance. At the opposite end, another passage led into a raised courtyard looking down on the Hathipol. The spaces of Bhoj Singh’s palace are small, common to all early Rajput structures. The audience hall of Bhoj Singh is named Hathiyansal for the fine sculptures of elephants (hathiyan) atop its pillars. Immediately above is a set of rooms called the Phul Mahal, with exceptional architecture and nineteenth-century paintings. The upper floor had a partly covered terrace and a jharokha, a window (now closed in) for the people of Bundi to get a glimpse of their Rao.  There is also a single painted room, about 4.2 x 7.5 metres, known as the Badal Mahal (“Cloud Palace”) because of the decorations on its ceiling. Here we sight something very different from anything seen so far and most memorable. The Badal Mahal paintings, composed and completed over decades, are the finest wall paintings in Rajasthan and fashion one of the greatest painted spaces in India.

The Palace Explored Further: 

Ummed Singh contributed the most to the beautification of various halls, staterooms, other rooms and galleries. Kishen Singh, nephew of the issueless Rao Bhao Singh, was given the territory of Gugaur to govern. His son, Anirudh Singh, was adopted by Rao Bhao Singh and ascended the throne in 1682 CE. Traditionally, Rajasthani palaces were compacted from the private spaces of predecessors, as each ruler added new and more extensive quarters to reflect his accession. Palaces were therefore always under construction or renovation. This definite compaction is clearly visible in the photograph above. None of their abodes is open to the public, though an appendage, the exquisitely painted Chitra Shala, a gallery in another Mahal called Sheesh Mahal, is open all week between 9am-5pm. This Chitra Shala, also known as Ummed Mahal, replete with miniature Rajasthani paintings, was built on the express orders of Ummed Singh, dating it to his reign in the 18th century.

The renowned Bundi murals may be seen by a privileged few at Chattar Mahal and Badal Mahal, both part of the vast palace complex.  

Chattar Mahal can be accessed by only one passage, a steep, cobbled ramp. Entry to the palace is through the Hazari Pol or Gate of the Thousand, leading into a small courtyard and the Naubat Khana or the Refreshment Room, then the Hathi Pol (Elephant Gate) with its two prominent elephants and old water clock, the Ratan Daulat which was the main audience hall built by Rao Ratan Singh (1607-1631), and the Diwan-e- Aam (Hall of Public Audience), where there is a marble throne. The famous murals are located on the upper floors, the parts of the palace that are closed to the public. Flash photography is not permitted. Kipling had unfettered access when he visited Bundi In 1887 and his observations may be used to visualise Bundi Palace as it existed in its heyday. 

The palace is wedged into and out of the hillside, in the enormous terrace on the existing terrace, and dominates the whole of the city. Since there has been little change in the Palace or the city since then, Kipling’s notes provide a perspective when going through the palace today. Access to the abode of the Rajas is through “Hathipol” ( Elephant Gate ) to a courtyard, a stable for the King’s favourite horses, with their grooms. 

Aniruddha Mahal and Rang Vilas: 

You have to go through the complex structure at Bundi with a guide officially cleared to unlock the many closed areas. You meander around to see what lies behind the locked doors. Kipling found private quarters, treasuries, courtyards, audience halls and a verdant garden which had a tank for goldfish. This garden is today a garden in name only. 

The large Aniruddha Mahal, an end-17th-century construction is to its west. For want of a source of information, we need to rely on the omnipresent Kipling. You have to step up to Rang Vilas from Aniruddha Mahal. Rang Vilas has a small and open interior courtyard facing the garden, with three sides under covered verandahs. Five inner rooms open onto the courtyard.

These are a room with wall paintings, once a bedroom; a Shish Mahal (a room with mirror work); a store room (with images of Saraswati,  

Gaj Laxmi, and Ganesh over its entrance); a toilet (entrance marked by images of Shiv and Nandi, Durga on a tiger and Ganesh) ; and the Poojaghar (prayer room) of Rao Raja Ummed Singh (1749 to 1770), marked by inlaid ivory doors. At one corner of the garden is a Hamam, or Turkish bath. 

The Rang Vilas has historical pictures and paintings on its panels, with frescoes in black, white and red, of elephants engaged in combat running along the floor. The Rang Vilas, which also has a separate exterior entrance, was the most visited space within the palace with murals which Kipling found fascinating, but which are common throughout Rajasthan. Rang Vilas was probably the Rao Rajas’ private apartment.

The Chattar Mahal: 

Portraits of Rao Raja Ummed Singh are also seen on in another major complex within Bundi Palace, Chattar Mahal. This huge Mahal was built by Rao Chattarsal, [1631-1658] in S.1701 (1644 CE), a Rao killed fighting for Shah Jahan. A beautifully decorated inlaid ivory door leads you into a darkened room containing locally fashioned gilt and silver four-legged beds and portraits of the dead nobility of Bundi. The door in the Chattar Mahal remains, but the furniture and portraits (framed photographs) have apparently been taken away in the recent past.   

A Panoramic View of Bundi and its Palace

MY NAME'S BONG

 BONGOLEES TO THE FORE

I've been reading the rot people have been talking about West Bengal's name change to Paschimbanga and it's time to set the record straight. There's no such thing as Paschimbanga. Just as there never was any person called Rabindranath Tagore, nor anyone called Mamata Banerjee and it certainly isn't Manas Chakravarty who's writing this column.

Nope, these names are mere masks we Bongs put on when dealing with non-Bongs. The new name is actually Poshchimbongo, rhyming with Congo and the twin-drum Bongo. The best way for non-Bongs to pronounce it is with a rossogolla held inside their mouths. Shondesh will also do. 

The name of the bhodrolok who won the Nobel for literature is Robindronoth Thakor, often called simply Robi Thakor.

Poshchimbongo's present chief minister is Mawmota.

The problem is the Bengali language is deprived of one of the most basic sounds, that of the short 'a'. So words like 'curd', 'murder', 'hurt' are impossible to pronounce.

'Curd' becomes card 'murder' becomes maadar & 'hurt' becomes heart... Ashok becomes Aweshok... Arnab becomes Our knob.

If we want to say, 'He's a man', we say 'He's ay man'. The hip-hop phrase, 'He's da man' for a real cool guy was undoubtedly coined by a Bong. We are also tricked by the letters 'v', 'w' and 'y', often say 'sh' instead of 's', while getting our tongues around 'z' is an ordeal.

The results have spawned many Bong jokes, my favourite being: 'What do you call a Bengali wedding? A bedding'. In fact, we changed the name West Bengal simply because we couldn't pronounce West, instead calling it Oashte Bengal or Waste Bengal among the city-bred.

These limitations have shaped Bong temperament, our culture and our entire outlook on life.

For example, the reason why the political right hasn't done well in Poshchimbongo is that we have enormous trouble pronouncing the Sangh Parivar. It's tortured out of recognition to become the Shongho Poribar. Just think what happens to swayamsevak with the ’s’ becoming 'sh', the 'w' non-existent, the 'a' becoming an 'o' and the 'v' transformed into a 'b'. Who in his right mind would ever listen to a 'shoiong shebok?'

I remember Mawmata Didi rushing to Atal Bihari Vajpayee on one occasion, shouting "Awtol-jee", "Awtol-jee", while Vajpayee looked hither and thither trying to find out who on earth "Awtol" औटोल was.

Our history too has been shaped by language. While we had no problems with Gandhi, both Mohandas and Karamchand were a challenge. Jawaharlal was a real tongue-twister, becoming Jawewhorlal, and Bengal turned to communism in despair. Another reason why Bengal is different from the national mainstream is our inability to sing 'Jana Gana Mana'- we sing 'Jawno Gawno Mawno' instead. But Sonia and Rahul are fine, although Manmohan is dicey.

We all know the Bong who works in Bengal is a work of fiction. You see, 'work' becomes 'oaark' in Bong. Obviously 'oaark' is not the same thing as 'work'. But we are certainly not lazy, only lajee.

Bengali does, however, have one thing in common with English - inanimate objects have no gender. So a Bong has no idea whether a bus is male or female and consequently hasn't a clue whether, in Hindi, 'bus chal raha hai' or 'chal rahi hai'. The upshot is that while we may mangle the English language, when it comes to Hindi we mince it into little pieces and fry it in boiling oil. That is why one of my dreams was to hear Pro knob-da make a speech in Hindi. After >50 yrs in Delhi he still said 'Teddodist'.

And phor all those non-Bongs who oaant to make phaan of aas, I oarn them: Beoare, oaat Poshchimbongo shays today, India uill shay tomorrow."

I believe one of the main reasons the British moved the Capital of India from Calcutta to Delhi was that they couldn't bear anymore to hear the Bongs sing, "God shave (save) the Queen!"

Cheeaars,

Nomoshkaar