LAUGH YOUR GUTS OFF
HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE
1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'
2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'
3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
destination.'
4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall......'.
5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.
6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'
8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'
9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'
10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'
11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'
12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'
13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your @rse sideways!'
14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it around the rest of the carriage.'
15) Commenting on a complaint from Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)
16) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear.. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)
17)Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
18)At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. ( Aberdeen Evening Express)
19) Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled - 'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.' ( Bournemouth Evening Echo)I
once dated a girl who broke up with me because I only have 9 toes. Yes, she was
lack-toes intolerant.
I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
I've started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.
If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughingstock. Now that's humerus.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.
Did you know muffins spelt backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?
Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16. So, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.
I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, "That lizard is really funny!" The leader replied, "That's not a lizard. He's a stand-up chameleon."
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.
Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song but the chickpeas can only hummus one.
Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court... it was a brief case.
How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it's on the house.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work
How do you make holy water? You take some water & boil the hell out of it
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favourite kind of music?" The other says, “I'm a big metal fan”
Heard about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu, you get what you deserve
I went to buy some camouflage trousers today, but couldn't find any.
What do you call a bee that can’t quite make up its mind? A maybe
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case
If and when everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
She had a photographic memory, but never developed it
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland of course. it’s *Dublin* everyday
My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is starting to improve
The guy
who invented the door knocker got a *No-bell* prize
I never thought orthopedic shoes would really work for me, but I stand corrected.
Once upon a time there was a king who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.
A Mexican magician said he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, “"Uno, dos.” Poof. He disappeared without a tres.
I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs. It’s a step by step guide.
My son was chewing on electric cords, so I had to ground him. It’s OK, though. He’s doing better and conducting himself properly.
My friend claims that he “accidentally" glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him. But that's his story and he’s sticking to it.
“Doctor, my child swallowed a roll of film. What should I do?” “Let’s wait and see if anything develops.”
An armed man ran into a real estate agency and shouted, “Nobody move.”
Got drunk yesterday and threw up in the elevator on my way back home. It was disgusting on so many levels.
I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic. He said, “Sure. Knock yourself out!”
I got into a fight today with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9. The odds were really against me.
In Britain it’s called a lift but Americans call it an elevator. I guess we were just raised differently.
97% of people are stupid. Glad I’m in the other 5%.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need !”
Need an ark? I noah guy
I used to be indecisive; Now I'm not so sure
Sleeping comes so naturally to me that I can do it with my eyes closed
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing. But, it let out a little whine
What do you call a very articulate dinosaur with a good vocabulary? A Thesaurus, of course.
Once upon a time, there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler.
Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, and tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That's right... Jack and the beans talk.
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You probably have not heard of herbivores.
I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.
Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. That's right. The steaks were pretty high.
I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
Why is ‘dark’ spelt with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
I’m trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
Another Shift
1. If Poison expires; is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
2. Which letter is silent in the word
"Scent," the S or the C?
3. Do Twins ever realise that one of them was really
"Unplanned"?
4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U?
Shouldn't it be called double V?
5. Maybe Oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes
75-100 years to fully work.
6. Every time you clean something, you just make
something else dirty.
7. The word "SWIMS" upside-down is still
"SWIMS"
8. 100 years ago everyone owned a Horse and only the
rich had Cars. Today everyone has Cars and only the rich own Horses.
9. If you replace "W" with "T" in
"What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.
10. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.
Great Puzzles Still Unresolved -
-At a movie theatre, which armrest is yours - left or
right?
-If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still
around?
-Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
-Who knew what time it was when the first clock was
made?
-Wonder why the word "Funeral" starts with
FUN?
-Why isn't a Fireman called a Waterman?
-How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?
-Why are goods sent by Ship called CARGO, and those
sent by Truck SHIPMENT?
-Why do Doctors "Practise" Medicine? Are they
having practice at the cost of the patients?
-Why is it called "Rush Hour" when traffic
moves at its slowest then?
-How come Noses run and Feet smell?
-Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?
-What are you vacating when you go on a
"Vacation"?
- I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work
How do you make holy water? You take some water & boil the hell out of it
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “what’s your favourite kind of music ?The other says, “I'm a big metal fan”
Heard about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu, you get what you deserve.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday, but couldn't find any
What do you call a bee that can’t quite make up its
mind?
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case
-If and when everything is coming your way, you're in
the wrong lane
-She had a photographic memory, but never developed it
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care
-I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant,
but then I changed my mind
-My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is starting to
improve
-The guy who invented the door knocker got a No-bell
prize
-I saw an ad for burial plots, and i thought: “That’s
the last thing i need !”
-Need an ark ? I noah guy
-I used to be indecisive; Now I'm not so sure
-Sleeping comes so naturally to me that I can do it
with my eyes closed
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing. But, it let out a little whine
What do you call a very articulate dinosaur with a good vocabulary? A Thesaurus, of course.
Aphorisms maybe?
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you
from enjoying it!
Living on Earth may be expensive but it includes an
annual free trip around the Sun.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected
become the expected?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is
where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation. What more can I say!
If it's true that we are here to help others, then,
what exactly are the others here for?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your
absence.
Your future depends on your dreams. So go to sleep !!
Can you do anything that other people can't? Sure... I
can read my handwriting.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect and therefore I'm
perfect.
I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
If I save time, when do I get it back...???
I am free ... of all prejudices. I hate everyone
equally.
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
Some More:
Why is the place in a stadium where you
SIT, called a STAND ?
Why
is that everyone wants to go to HEAVEN, but nobody wants to DIE !!
We
have FREEDOM of SPEECH, Then why do we have TELEPHONE BILLS ?
If
money doesn't grow on TREES, then why do banks have BRANCHES ?
Why
doesn't GLUE stick to its BOTTLE ?
Why
do you still call it BUILDING, when its already BUILT ?
If
it’s true that we all are here to HELP others, What are others HERE for ?
If
you aren't supposed to DRINK & DRIVE, why do bars have PARKING lots ?
If
All The Nations In The World Are In Debt, Where Did All The Money Go..?
When
Dog Food is 'New With Improved Taste', Who Tests It ?
Who
Copyrighted The Copyright Symbol ?
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