LATINATE RACE

 LATIN CAN BE FUNNY

From Quid Pro Quo to In Flagrante Delicto
cc Non Compos Mentis

One afternoon, all Latin expressions were invited by examinate Ante's lyin brother Post Meridiem to the Tavern to discuss Quid Pro Quo’s phenomenal rise in popularity thanks to impeachment hearings in the United States. Quod Expectata, De Facto, De Jure and Post Mortem strolled in well behind the clock, Sed Sero Solito.

A wave of resentment ran through Inter Alia, Ad Hoc, Pro Bono, Vice Versa, Statim, Ad Interim, Et Cetera, etc., who considered themselves the frontrunners in the Latinism sweepstakes before Quid Pro Quo had sprinted ahead in recent weeks.

“Well, let’s get real,” said Bona Fide, who was always truthful. “Quid Pro Quo is being promoted by no less a person than the U.S. President without Curriculum Vitae, even though Pro Bono is available for free.” Acta Non Verba nodded in agreement. 

Hearing this, Pro Bono, who was selfless and always unquestioningly volunteering herself, asked Prima Facie if this was indeed the case.

“As Ceteris Paribus says, yes,” confirmed Prima Facie. “Although the President likes Ad Hoc, Quid Pro Quo is his current favourite.”

“What about me? I am always bringing up the rear… though I am used so often,” complained Et Cetera to Ex Post Facto. Nota Bene took exception, as did Post Scriptum.

“Dei Gratia, Et Cetera and his comrades Nota Bena and Post Scriptum are made of two words, unlike that useless Addendum,” consoled Alter Ego, looking over his shoulder at his shadow.

“Quid Pro Quo and Exceptio Probat Regulam are made of three words!” pointed out Carpe Diem, groaning, “I should have seized the moment Ilias Latina squared Homer up!"

“Actually, we should have all gone to war!” yelled Casus Belli, who, with Pugnare and Bellecose, was always ready to bare his fangs.

“We would have backed you & Modus Operandi!” shouted twins De Facto and De Jure.

“Hear! Hear!” roared Vox Populi.

Et Cetera was comforted, but he knew he could never become the favourite; he’d always be an afterthought Videlicet, Secundum Cogitationem.

“Well, fair is foul and foul is fair,” explained Vice Versa, an opportunist who flip-flopped often.

“Indeed, I'm sorry about our fate. If you all want so, I'm happy to take the blame,” offered the always-apologetic Mea Culpa.

“Let’s just stay rooted to the ground. Our day will come!” advised Terra Firma, backed by Modus Operandi. Legum Baccalaureus said to Semper Fidelis, “I will follow the qualified, Exempli Gratia te Magister Artium.”

“No, let’s keep on rolling and rolling and…” pressed Ad Infinitum. Sui Generis agreed, sagely.

“The bird walked to the toy store,” said Non Sequitur.

Alma Mater, who was nourishing her children Alumnus and Alumna, watched the agitated Latinisms with Sotto Voce, who was usually quiet and spoke only occasionally in a low voice.

“Too bad everyone thinks the President has flipped for Quid Pro Quo,” she whispered. “No one believes me but I’ve seen him canoodling with that sexy wench In Flagrante Delicto.” 

Suddenly they heard someone chuckling in the shadows. It was Non Compos Mentis, giggling with Alea Iacta Est in the knowledge that she, not In Flagrante Delicto, was the President’s first love. Its most critical condition is that this piece is shared widely, said Sine Qua Non. Post Scriptum solemnly agreed, now that Regina had departed, Requiescat In Pace.

BRITISH HUMOUR

 LAUGH YOUR GUTS OFF

 HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall......'.

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your @rse sideways!'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it around the rest of the carriage.'

15) Commenting on a complaint from Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

16) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear.. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

17)Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

18)At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.  ( Aberdeen Evening Express)

19) Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled - 'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.' ( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Let's move into one-liners now:

I once dated a girl who broke up with me because I only have 9 toes. Yes, she was lack-toes intolerant.

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

I've started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.

If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughingstock. Now that's humerus.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.

Did you know muffins spelt backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?

Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16. So, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, "That lizard is really funny!" The leader replied, "That's not a lizard. He's a stand-up chameleon."

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.

Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song but the chickpeas can only hummus one.

Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court... it was a brief case.

How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it's on the house.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work

How do you make holy water? You take some water & boil the hell out of it

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favourite kind of music?" The other says, “I'm a big metal fan”

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu, you get what you deserve

I went to buy some camouflage trousers today, but couldn't find any.

What do you call a bee that can’t quite make up its mind? A maybe

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case

If and when everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

She had a photographic memory, but never developed it

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland of course. it’s *Dublin* everyday

My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is starting to improve

The guy who invented the door knocker got a *No-bell* prize

I never thought orthopedic shoes would really work for me, but I stand corrected.

Once upon a time there was a king who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

A Mexican magician said he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, “"Uno, dos.” Poof. He disappeared without a tres.

I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs. It’s a step by step guide.

My son was chewing on electric cords, so I had to ground him. It’s OK, though. He’s doing better and conducting himself properly.

My friend claims that he “accidentally" glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him. But that's his story and he’s sticking to it.

“Doctor, my child swallowed a roll of film. What should I do?” “Let’s wait and see if anything develops.”

An armed man ran into a real estate agency and shouted, “Nobody move.”

Got drunk yesterday and threw up in the elevator on my way back home. It was disgusting on so many levels.

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic. He said, “Sure. Knock yourself out!”

I got into a fight today with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9. The odds were really against me.

In Britain it’s called a lift but Americans call it an elevator. I guess we were just raised differently.



97% of people are stupid. Glad I’m in the other 5%.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need !”

Need an ark? I noah guy

I used to be indecisive; Now I'm not so sure

Sleeping comes so naturally to me that I can do it with my eyes closed

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing. But, it let out a little whine

What do you call a very articulate dinosaur with a good vocabulary? A Thesaurus, of course.

Once upon a time, there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler.

Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, and tomorrow romaines to be seen.

My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That's right... Jack and the beans talk.

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You probably have not heard of herbivores.

I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.

Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. That's right. The steaks were pretty high.

I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

 If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

 A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

 I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

 My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

 I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

 Why is ‘dark’ spelt with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

 When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

Bono  and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

I’m trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

 I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

Another Shift

1. If Poison expires; is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do Twins ever realise that one of them was really "Unplanned"?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

5. Maybe Oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

7. The word "SWIMS" upside-down is still "SWIMS"

8. 100 years ago everyone owned a Horse and only the rich had Cars. Today everyone has Cars and only the rich own Horses.

9. If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

10. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.

Great Puzzles Still Unresolved -

-At a movie theatre, which armrest is yours - left or right?

-If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

-Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

-Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

-Wonder why the word "Funeral" starts with FUN?

-Why isn't a Fireman called a Waterman?

-How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?

-Why are goods sent by Ship called CARGO, and those sent by Truck SHIPMENT?

-Why do Doctors "Practise" Medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?

-Why is it called "Rush Hour" when traffic moves at its slowest then?

-How come Noses run and Feet smell?

-Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?

-What are you vacating when you go on a "Vacation"?

- I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work

How do you make holy water? You take some water & boil the hell out of it

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.  One asks, “what’s your favourite kind of music ?The other says, “I'm a big metal fan”

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu, you get what you deserve.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday, but couldn't find any

What do you call a bee that can’t quite make up its mind? A maybe.      

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case

-If and when everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

-She had a photographic memory, but never developed it

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care

-I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

-My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is starting to improve

-The guy who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize

-I saw an ad for burial plots, and i thought: “That’s the last thing i need !”

-Need an ark ? I noah guy

-I used to be indecisive; Now I'm not so sure

-Sleeping comes so naturally to me that I can do it with my eyes closed

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing. But, it let out a little whine

What do you call a very articulate dinosaur with a good vocabulary? A Thesaurus, of course.

Aphorisms maybe?

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it!

Living on Earth may be expensive but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation. What more can I say!

If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly are the others here for?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

Your future depends on your dreams. So go to sleep !!

Can you do anything that other people can't? Sure... I can read my handwriting.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect and therefore I'm perfect.

I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.

If I save time, when do I get it back...???

I am free ... of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

Some More:

Why is the place in a stadium where you SIT, called a STAND ?

Why is that everyone wants to go to HEAVEN, but nobody wants to DIE !!

We have FREEDOM of SPEECH, Then why do we have TELEPHONE BILLS ?

If money doesn't grow on TREES, then why do banks have BRANCHES ?

Why doesn't GLUE stick to its BOTTLE ?

Why do you still call it BUILDING, when its already BUILT ?

If it’s true that we all are here to HELP others, What are others HERE for ?

If you aren't supposed to DRINK & DRIVE, why do bars have PARKING lots ?

 If All The Nations In The World Are In Debt, Where Did All The Money Go..?

 When Dog Food is 'New With Improved Taste', Who Tests It ?

 Who Copyrighted The Copyright Symbol ?

 

VORTILONS

  APPLICATION OF AERODYNAMIC INNOVATIONS: VORTILONS

THE VORTILON

Vortilons on an unknown aircraft

The latest innovation in the area of wing-tip stall, and control thereof, is the Vortilon. Vortilons are very simple devices that perform an important function, somewhat like vortex generators, but without the penalty of drag. They are small fences fitted on the undersurface of an aircraft’s wing, “but their main function is to generate a vortex of air over the top of the main wing only at high angles of attack. When the angle of attack on the main wing is raised, the lower surface airflow starts to move outboard at an increasing angle.” They have no loss in performance in all other phases of flight. “The vortilons stick up and move forward as the wing angle increases and they start acting as little fences to the spanwise airflow. They don't stop it, they ‘trip’ it - causing a vortex. This vortex has the effect of keeping the airflow attached to the upper surface of the wing - reducing the wing's local stall angle and increasing aileron effectiveness at low speeds/high Ø.” Vortilons also work with different parts of the wing to enhance stall behaviour.

Vortilons on the DC-9: The DC-9 wing featured vortilons on the lower wing surface that improved control at high angles of attack up to 30º.” In most attitudes, the vortilons were aft of the area where the airflow ‘stagnated,’ so they had little effect. However, when the aircraft was in a potentially dangerous, nose-up attitude, the vortilons “poked past the stagnation point and triggered vortices.”  The vortices extended over the upper wing surface and limited the span-wise flow, thereby preserving lift on the outboard wing sections, so the inner wing would stall first. In a swept wing design, this makes the nose pitch sharply down, enabling the crew to recover control quickly. The vortilons also reduced the downwash from the wing on the tail, which helped crews recover from potential deep stalls.

Vortilons on the HS 125-800: These were also relatively small. The objective was to replace wing fences used on previous models, which minimized span-wise flow and tip stall, and predominantly maintained aileron effectiveness. The standard wing fence ‘fix’ on the -800 required more vortex generators just in front of the aileron hinge line; the combination added drag. “The vortilon solution had less drag than the wing fence and required fewer vortex generators. Also, there were advantages at low speed, and possibly with high-speed cruise performance.”

Vortilons on the Lear Jet: As stated earlier, Vortilons work with different parts of the wing to enhance stall behaviour. According to a Learjet Newsletter (August 2006), the inboard pair of vortilons on the Lear Jet 35 and 35A are placed halfway between the stall strip and the stall fence. The latter forces the inboard portion of the wing to stall first, while the outboard section continues generating lift, giving the pilot better control of the ailerons for a longer period.  The inboard vortilons act as a second stall fence, creating a high-energy vortex, with concomitant benefits.  The outboard vortilon is placed directly in front of the ailerons, which we know is a desirable factor. Pilot workload during an impending stall is minimised, permitting simple recovery.

Vortilons on Boeings: As the basic Boeing 737 evolved with time, extra performance became necessary. The 737-200 NGs have three vortilons on the underside of the leading edge slats to restrict the spanwise flow of air, as shown in the figure infra. 

Three barely visible Vortilons on the Boeing 737-200NG

The Boeing 767-400ER also features three vortilons under the leading edge of the outboard slats. “Results of stall testing were not satisfactory, in that stick forces became light near the stall, and uncommanded and undesirable roll at the stall would tilt the aircraft up to a 20-degree bank. Installation of the vortilons eliminated the problem.”   

Vortilons on the Embraer 145: “The shape and position of vortilons is not yet an exact science and requires considerable flight-testing and knowledge to locate them optimally.” Continuous experimenting is required with various shapes, sizes and positions to arrive at a decision. According to Embraer, Brazil, who integrated vortilons on the ERJ145, the aircraft faced very much the same problem as the Boeing 767-400ER in terms of stall characteristics. Their test pilots found one wing dropping as α reached 20 degrees. Vortilons solved this problem.

Yellow Vortilons are clearly visible

Furthermore, the ERJ145 uses state-of-the-art lifting devices, yet it fell short of ‘the maximum lift coefficient values to meet the short take-off and landing field lengths required for regional airline operations’. Market surveys provided design margins to allow the leading edge to be modified with a fixed 'droop' and the four vortilons on the lower surface leading edge of the outboard wing panel contributed significantly towards achieving their aim. Their interaction with the wing sidewash at high angles of attack produces strong vortices that are convected to the upper surface, where they modify the pressure distribution and boundary layer development, postponing flow separation and increasing maximum lift. Their shape and position were defined using advanced 3D programming. The combined effect of the leading edge droop and vortilons allowed an improved take-off and landing performance without resorting to more complex variable geometry leading edge devices (such as slats), for a small cruise performance penalty.

Figure supra shows a close-up view of four yellow vortilons while the Figure following is a schematic representation of the ERJ145 droop and vortilon. Note that the aircraft is flying from your left to the right.

MOTHERS!

 MOTHERS WILL REMAIN MOTHERS

Moms will be Moms...

Doesn’t matter who you are or where. Here is some Mom talk.

Issac Newton's mother--  "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

Archimedes's mother--  "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street?  And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

Thomas Edison's mother--  Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed !!!"

Abraham Lincoln's mother--  "Now that you have become President for heaven's sake get rid of that shabby tailcoat and stovepipe hat, and buy yourself a decent outfit."

James Watt's mother--  "If you just keep watching that damn lid lifting and dropping, rice will be burnt. Turn off the stove now."

Alexander Graham Bell's mother--  "You have installed this new silly thing in the house alright, but I do not want girls calling you at odd hours."

Galileo Galilei's mother--  "What use is seeing that damn moon with your telescope if it does not help me to see my mother in Milano."

Samuel Morse's mother--  "Make sure your school report card doesn't have only dashes and dots.”

Mona Lisa's mother--  "After all that money your father and I spent on your braces, is that the best smile you can give us ?"

Michelangelo's mother--  "Can't you paint on walls like other kids? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling ?"

Albert Einstein's mother-- "Can't you do something about your hair? Use styling gel or something?"

Bill Gates's mother--  "You keep browsing all day long; watch out if I ever catch you on any adult website."

Daniel Fahrenheit's mother--  "Stop playing with boiling water and let me make tea."

Georg Ohm's mother-- "I don't like you resisting everything I say."

Robert Boyle's mother--  "If your volume is really inversely proportional to pressure, you must be constipated. Take a laxative."

Alessandro Volta's mother--  "It is shocking to see you all the while dipping those copper and zinc rods in that beaker.”

Andre Ampere’s mother--  “Apart from fooling around all the time shall you ever find time to glance through your current books!”

Socrates' mother--  "If you keep drinking from any cup, it is not necessary that you will also survive like Meera Bai."

Christopher Columbus’ mother--  "I don't care what you were busy discovering and where you could still have dropped a two-line letter!”

Dedicated to all Mothers, but for whom Human Civilisation wouldn’t have progressed.