LOONY TUNES
- Lobster (n): someone who throws poorly.
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Wednesday, 24 January 2024
ARGLE BARGLE
Thursday, 11 January 2024
IMPONDERABLES
ENGLISH CAN BE FUN
Ponder on these imponderables for a minute......
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
6. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
7. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
8. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
9. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
11. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?
14. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?
15. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
16. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
17. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards
18. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool ?
19. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
20. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo
21. I’ve just finished reading a book about the world’s greatest basement…..It was a best cellar.
22. It’s my first week working at the bicycle factory and they already made me a spokesperson.
23. My laptop caught pneumonia, apparently because I left Windows open.
24. I thought swimming with Dolphins was expensive until I went swimming with sharks….It cost me an arm and a leg.
25. The main function of your big toe is to make sure all the furniture in the house is in the right place.
26. Horses have lower divorce rates. It’s because they are in stable relationships.
27. It’s pretty obvious that if I run in front of a car I will get tired but if I run behind a car will I get exhausted.
28. My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them you just wait.
29. 90% of bald people still own a comb; they just can’t part with it.
30. Every morning I get hit by the same bicycle……It’s a vicious cycle.
31. The word incorrectly is spelled incorrectly in every dictionary.
32. I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer. People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
33. The other day I yelled into a colander and I strained my voice.
34. What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backwards?... A receding hare line.
35. Always trust a nudist……They have nothing to hide …
36. Home (n.) The place where you trust the toilet seat.
37. English Teacher (n.) A person who puts more thought into a novel than the original author ever did.
38. Sibling (n.) You’d give them your kidney but you won’t let them borrow your charger.
39. Etc. (abb .) End of thinking capacity.
40. I’m fine (phr.) Not dead. Still alive.
41. Friend (n.) Someone who listens to your bullshit, tells you it’s bullshit, and then listens to some more.
42. Everything happens for a reason (phr.) Sometimes the reason is you’re stupid and make bad decisions.
43. Psychopaths (n.) People who watch scary movies for fun and sleep fine afterwards.
44. Happiness (n.) Not having to set the alarm clock for the next day.
45. I’m going to sleep early tonight (phr.) The biggest lie you tell yourself.
46. Dad (n.) A person who has no clue what’s inside when you open a gift labelled “From Mom & Dad”.
DESI PUNS
1. Laxman to Sīta: Stay offline
2. The changing tax rates are too TDS.
3. My watch is stuck between 2 and 2:30; it's a do or dhai situation
4. Vishwanathan Anand gets tense when the waiter asks, 'Check de doon'
5. A potato was grilled by cops; after two hours of torture, it gave in, 'Main Batata hun, main Batata hun...'
6. A well-executed theft without any fingerprints is a stainless steal.
7. Friends pay food bills on a de-tu-de basis
8. 'I laughed yesterday' in Hindi, 'Michael Hussey'
9. An old lady asked me the way to the temple; I replied, 'Magistrate'
10. Rahul Dravid's wristwatch is technically a wall clock
11. Toll Booths are nothing but Bill Gates
12. The way to the cemetery, 'Go straight and take the last rite.'
KEEP LAUGHING
Wife was busy in packing her clothes.
Husband - Where are you going ?
Wife - I'm moving to my mother.
Husband also starts packing his clothes.
Wife - Now where are you going ?
Husband - I'm also moving to my mother.
Wife - And what about the kids ?
Husband - Well I guess ... If you are moving to your mother and I'm moving to my mother ... They should move to their mother.
Clothes unpacked!
Wife : "why are u home so early?"
Hubby : "My boss said go to hell!"
Doctor : How is ur headache ?
Patient : she's out of town.
No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life:
(1) Mobile
(2) Automobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife
Because, there is always a better model in neighbourhood
Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:
All girls are devils, but my wife is the queen of them.
Q - Why can't Women Drive well? 🚗
Ans - Because there are so many mirrors in a car to distract them..
Q - If a Woman is Quiet, which day is it?
Ans - Who Cares, just Enjoy that Day..
The woman who invented the phrase ...
"All men are the same" was a Chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd.
There are 3 kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
Rest get married and wonder what happened....
Wives are magicians........
They can change anything into an argument.
Women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, as compared to men. WHY?
A very INTELLIGENT man replied: Women don't have a wife!
There is some wisdom here...
The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.
Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.
When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.
Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”
Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.
“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo."
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.
Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.
Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.
So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Now, I'm wondering . . . did I send this to you, did you send it to me or have I only sent it to myself.
You don't need anger management. You need people to stop irritating you.
Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
"On time" is, when you get there.
Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.
It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller.
Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
One for the road means peeing before you leave the house 🥳
BRITISH CHURCH HUMOUR*
Church Bulletins! These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins.
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off, let the Church help.
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Me: Would it be okay to kiss a nun?
Sister Ignatius: I guess so; just don’t get into the habit.
Tuesday, 19 December 2023
BURIAL NOT CREMATION
IS CREMATION PERMITTED BY THE CATHOLIC CHURCH?
Cremation is devil worship by profanely desecrating the human body, which is a good gift from God. Since Jesus died for His elect's bodies, they have yet another reason not to cremate. I Cor 6:19-20; I Cor 10:20-22
Genesis, the first chapter of the Bible, the holy book of Christians, says in no uncertain terms that God made man in his own image (1, v 26). Catholic interpretation of human beings is that God made man a composite of three parts, the body, soul and spirit. Therefore, each part should be dedicated to His glory and He reserves the rights of how you treat yourself, in life and in death. The Bible forbids cremation. So does the Quran, the holy book of Muslims. The Protestants are ambivalent about post-death formalities and recommend burial. But in the Catholic church cremation was anathema till 1963.
In May 1963, the Vatican’s Holy Office (now the Congregation of the Doctrine of Faith) lifted the prohibition forbidding Catholics to choose cremation. This permission was incorporated into the revised Code of Canon Law of 1983 (Canon # 1176), as well as into the Order of Christian Funerals. It then became standard practice to celebrate the funeral liturgies with the body and then take the body to the crematorium. Most recently the bishops of the United States and Holy See have authorised the celebration of a Catholic funeral liturgy with the cremated remains when the body is cremated before the funeral.
Post-death formalities are listed by the Catholic church. The body is bathed, cleaned and dressed in spotless clothing. All mourners visit the bereaved and pay their last respects to the departed soul. The coffin is taken to deceased’s church in a procession. A Mass is held in church and a specific ritual observed. Most often it is a hymn to open the service, a psalm after the first reading, a Communion hymn, and a hymn to end the service. At times, another hymn is sung during the offertory. In a Catholic church hymns are the means of communing with God and requesting the Almighty to take care of the soul of the deceased.
A headstone is a marker that is placed over a grave about a year after the burial ceremony. This is because the deep grave needs to settle and one set of seasons is considered adequate. They generally bear the deceased's name, date of birth, and date of death inscribed on them, along with a short personal message. Many types of stones are used, with marble looking the most elegant, but the prudent man uses a granite headstone. Granite is hard and long lasting. Initially, it requires more work and skill to carve by hand. Modern methods of carving include use technology, with the ubiquitous computer controlling the creation of the letters, numbers and emblems virtually printed on the stone.
YOUR QUERIES ANSWERED
- Do I need to ask permission to be cremated?
No, but it is a good idea to discuss your reasons with your pastor, deacon, or other parish ministers.
- When should cremation take place?
The Church prefers that cremation take place after the full funeral liturgy with the body.
Sometimes, however, it is not possible for the body to be present for the Funeral Mass. When extraordinary circumstances make the cremation of a body the only feasible choice, pastoral sensitivity must be exercised by all who minister to the family of the deceased. Order of Christian Funerals, Appendix II)
- What is the proper container for cremated remains?
Appropriate containers (not necessarily expensive) such as a classic urn are proper for the cremated remains. At the present time, the U.S. Bishops’ Committee on the Liturgy has determined only what is not a proper container. Although jewelry, dishes, statuary, and space capsules are now being offered, they are unacceptable in Catholic funeral practices. It is also unacceptable to have your cremated remains made into jewelry, dishes, and the like.
- Must cremated remains be buried/entombed?
Yes. There are many beautiful options for cremated remains which include a family grave in a cemetery marked with a traditional memorial stone or an urn garden, a special section in a cemetery with small, pre-dug graves for urns, or a columbarium.
- What is a columbarium?
A common practice is the entombment of the cremated remains in a “columbarium”. It is an arrangement of niches, either in a mausoleum, a room, or wall into which an urn or other worthy vessel is placed for a permanent memorial.
- May I scatter the ashes?
No. The practice of scattering cremated remains on the sea, from the air, or on the ground, or keeping cremated remains in the home of a relative or friend of the deceased are not the reverent disposition that the Church requires. (Order of Christian Funerals, Appendix II)
- May anything be added to cremated remains such as the cremated remains of other persons, pets, or other objects?
No. The principle of respect for the cremated remains of a deceased Christian embraces the deeper belief in the individuality of each baptized person before God. Throughout history, the mingling of remains has never been an accepted practice, except in extraordinary circumstances.
- Who decides if I am to be cremated?
In most cases, you make the decision to be cremated. However, your survivors may decide to have you cremated, generally due to special family circumstances, but rarely against your will.
- How do I make my wishes known?
You make the decision to have your body be buried or cremated if you prearrange. However, your survivors may decide to have you cremated, generally due to special family circumstances or if they do not know your preference.
- What funeral rites are celebrated when a person is cremated?
All the usual rites which are celebrated with a body present may also be celebrated in the presence of cremated remains. The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops has written new prayers and has printed them as an appendix to the Order of Christian Funerals. During the liturgies, the cremated remains are treated with the same dignity and respect as the body.
Canon Law on Cremations
- Can. 117 S 1 Christ’s faithful who have died are to be given a Church funeral according to the norms of law.
- S2 Church funerals are to be celebrated according to the norms of the liturgical books. In these funeral rites the Church prays for the spiritual support of the dead, it honors their bodies, and at the same time, it brings to the living the comfort of hope.
- S3 The Church earnestly recommends that the pious customs of burial be retained, but it does not forbid cremation unless this is chosen for reasons which are contrary to Christian teaching.
A common practice is the entombment of the cremated remains in a “columbarium”. It is an arrangement of niches, either in a mausoleum, a room, or wall into which an urn or other worthy vessel is placed for a permanent memorial.
Cremation Products
The simplicity, dignity, and affordability of cremation have made it a popular choice among followers of most faiths. Throughout the cemetery, indoors and out, there are wide-ranging selections and memorialization plans for those choosing cremation, providing considerable freedom to personalize the remembrance of loved ones.
Outdoors, the cemetery provides beautiful cremation garden walks, cremation graves, and garden niches in natural surroundings. Made of the finest granite materials in a wide variety of designs. Producing an enduring memorial in a beautiful, inspirational environment. Both individual and companion spaces are available.
The Rites
The Catholic Church offers distinct occasions for common prayer at the time of funerals. The Order of Christian Funerals contains three clusters of Rites:
- The Vigil
- The Funeral Liturgy, and Final Commendation and Farewell
- The Rite of Committal
The Funeral Rites also provide other opportunities for prayer. These Related Rites and Prayers are: Prayers after Death, Gathering in the Presence of the Body, and Transfer of the Body to the Church or to the Place of Committal.
The Funeral Rites, like all the Church’s liturgy, are primarily worship of God. Care needs to be taken to preserve the integrity of the Church’s prayer, and of the homily while remaining personable and sensitive to those present.
The Rites for adults are different from the Rites for children and infants. These Rites apply to baptized Catholics, and also catechumens, unbaptized infants, and in special circumstances, those who are not Catholic.
By family preference or pastoral concern, any single rite may be used as the sole Funeral Rite. Consultation with your priest or parish minister can help determine your funeral selections.
The Vigil
This Rite presided over by a priest, deacon, or prepared layperson (or member of the family) generally consists of Introductory Rite, Liturgy of the Word, Intercessory Prayer, and Concluding Rite and Blessing. Also strongly recommended is the Office of the Dead from the Liturgy of the Hours.
The rosary, or a portion of it, maybe included as part of the petitions within this Rite, or preferably, it may be recited by the family at a time other than the Vigil. If the Vigil is celebrated in church, it begins with the Rite of Reception.
The Funeral Liturgy
The Funeral Liturgy (Mass) is the community’s principal celebration. Generally, the Funeral Liturgy comprises The Rite of Reception (unless already celebrated as part of the Vigil), the Liturgy of the Word, The Liturgy of the Eucharist, and the Final Commendation and Farewell.
The priest presides at Mass, assisted by a full complement of liturgical ministers – lectors, canto, musicians, servers, etc. These ministerial roles are performed by trained parish ministers or by members of the deceased’s family or friends if properly prepared.
The Rite of Committal
The Rite of Committal, the final of the Funeral Rites, may be presided over by a priest, deacon, or layperson. It is best celebrated in close proximity to the actual burial place – grave, tomb, or crematorium.
This rite is intentionally brief. However, if this is the sole Funeral Rite, it may be expanded to include the Rite of Final Commendation or additional music and readings, a brief homily, and petitions.
What Should I Do When a Loved One Dies?
When a death occurs, after you provide for the initial care of the body of the deceased, the parish should be contacted first.
Is Cremation Allowed?
Although traditional burial procedure which reflects respect for the body is still normal Catholic practice, cremation is allowed by the Catholic Church for justifiable reasons. Cremation would ordinarily take place after the Funeral Liturgy. These remains should never be scattered or handled in an undignified manner, but are to be interred or inurned in a cemetery columbarium
Monday, 18 December 2023
MAUSOLEUMS
MORE ABOUT MAUSOLEUMS
I give you the mausoleum of all hope and desire...I give it to you not that you may remember time, but that you might forget it now and then for a moment and not spend all of your breath trying to conquer it. William Faulkner
Mausoleums are an alternative type of memorial, built as free-standing monuments to house the remains of the deceased. This type of memorial dates back to 350BC, where deceased Egyptian kings were laid to rest in the pyramids. Burying the deceased in a mausoleum is known as “entombment”. The Taj Mahal in India is the most famous mausoleum in the world, built by an emperor to honor his favorite wife.
Things have changed in the Christian era. It is traditional to pay respect to one’s dear departed. There are many ways of doing so, and Christians generally bury their lost relative in a solemn ceremony. Memories tend to fade with time, but a visit to the grave the deceased brings back cherished memories since the burial spot generally has a headstone with memory invoking inscriptions thereon. Many Americans opt for mausoleums, depending on the cost factor. Factors that affect cost are quality, with marble the most expensive and concrete the least; decorative work thereon; size and location.The cost of mausoleum for a small individual one is markedly different from the cost of a mausoleum designed to inter generations of a family. A lot of legwork is needed to carry out a research for a mausoleum that meets your criteria. Construction costs should also be reasonable. Mausoleum cemeteries generally offer a large community mausoleum, which would cost under ten thousand dollars since the overall cost would be shared between a fair number of families. Some cemeteries offer space for private mausoleums, which could cost upwards of 100,000$. Interestingly, the only legal way to keep the remains of the deceased on premises is to erect a mausoleum.
A crypt is a burial spot, built to hold a casket in a concrete or stone chamber. It is generally placed beneath the floor, or in the wall of a church, chapel or cathedral. Crypts were originally located beneath churches as early as 600 A.D., one of the most famous being the Old St. Peter's Basilica in Rome. The concrete or stone chambers in a mausoleum, where the caskets are placed and sealed, are called wall crypts. A lawn crypt, also known as an underground mausoleum, consists of pre-installed vaults that allow for stacked coffins in a cemetery lawn space. A lawn crypt may be made up of several vaults laid horizontally to allow for family members to be buried together. A mausoleum crypt is the chamber within the mausoleum that holds the burial remains, be they cremation urns instead of or as well as caskets. The size of the crypt determines the number of individuals that can be interred in the mausoleum.
A private family mausoleum is an architectural tribute to a family and its heritage. It is a private and sheltered place where you can honor your family members who have passed on. Private family mausoleum may not suit every family, but of late, the demand for mausoleums has increased. If your family is considering such a mausoleum, a lot of legwork is again needed to carry out a research on the type of talented artisans and craftsmen who have the experience necessary to create this kind of memorial. When considering a family mausoleum, it is often helpful to look at a number of different details as you decide on your family needs. They provide families clean interment and a private space for loved ones to visit. Mausoleums can be purchased before they are needed providing reduction of estate taxes and the ability to make a sound and well considered investment.
Advantages of Choosing a Mausoleum Memorial
There are many advantages of choosing a mausoleum to venerate your loved one:
- Cleaner and dryer than an exposed grave
- Ideal option for people who prefer not to be buried underground
- Opportunity to purchase one burial site for family members instead of scattered graves
- Indoor mausoleums allow family and friends to visit in comfort, as the crypt is protected from the weather
- Mausoleums also work well in areas of low elevation where the ground is too wet or unstable for graves and caskets. For example, New Orleans is famous for historic above-ground cemeteries as the city’s water table is very high and the area is prone to flooding.
Talking with family and friends before choosing your loved one’s memorial can help you understand if it’s right for them. If you know the deceased didn’t want an underground burial, then a mausoleum memorial could be the right option.
Mausoleum Burial Locations
If you decide you would like a mausoleum, the next step is to consider the burial location.
Churchyards and cemeteries have different rules about the kinds of memorials they allow. Some smaller churchyards may not have the space for mausoleums, or allow them at all, so it’s important to understand the restrictions to avoid being disappointed. Your local Funeral Director will be able to provide guidance on this.
How to Choose a Mausoleum
When choosing the mausoleum, you’ll want to consider the following:
- Types of mausoleum crypts
- Material
- Personalising a mausoleum
Types of Mausoleum Crypts
There are many different types of mausoleum available. To start, you’ll need to choose between an indoor mausoleum or an outdoor mausoleum, and whether you’d like it in a public or private location. You’ll then be able to choose the type:
- Single crypt: Built to contain the remains of one body.
- Family mausoleum: Built to contain any number of bodies, ideal for burying one family together.
- Companion crypt: Built to contain two bodies, like double-depth graves.
- Columbarium: Like mausoleums, except the niches (wall spaces for bodies) are much smaller, built to contain urns of ashes.
- Lawn crypts: Underground mausoleums, built to offer traditional in-ground burials with entombment.
- Sarcophagus mausoleums: Half underground and half above ground, built to keep the body below the crypt.
Material
Granite mausoleums are durable and can be built using different colours and shades. You may choose a white or pale grey granite for the mausoleum’s structure, but a black granite door to finish. Granite mausoleums also have a lower building cost than other materials.
Marble mausoleums are costlier, but their appearance can be worth it. Their creamy finish is much softer than granite.
Personalising a mausoleum
There are lots of ways to personalise a mausoleum. You can have inscriptions added to the roof or walls, or on the front door. If more than one family member is buried in the mausoleum, you can add memorial plaques detailing the names of the deceased.
It’s important to understand the rules and regulations that affect the wording you can include on your mausoleum. These may differ depending on the location you choose. Your local Funeral Director will be able to help you understand what you can and cannot include.
If you’re having memorial jewellery created to commemorate the deceased, you could match any inscriptions to the mausoleum itself. Some family members feel this is a nice way to stay connected to their loved ones who have passed away.
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