SANTA: Thank you. I'm setting up an office and I'm thinking about buying a computer. MICK: Mac? SANTA: No, the name's SANTA. MICK: Your computer? SANTA: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. MICK: Mac? SANTA: I told you, my name's SANTA. MICK: What about Windows? SANTA: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? MICK: Do you want a computer with Windows? SANTA: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows? MICK: Wallpaper. SANTA: What if I don't like wallpaper? MICK: Just change it. SANTA: Isn't that expensive? MICK: No, it's free with Windows. SANTA: I have to buy the Windows to get the wallpaper. MICK: It's free if you buy the computer. SANTA: They give you windows for your office if you buy a computer. MICK: Certainly! SANTA: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. MICK: Software for Windows? SANTA: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got? MICK: Office. SANTA: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? MICK: I just did. SANTA: You just did what? MICK: Recommend something. SANTA: You recommended something? MICK: Yes. SANTA: For my office? MICK: Yes. SANTA: OK, what did you recommend for my office? MICK: Office. SANTA: Yes, for my office! MICK: I recommend Office with Windows. SANTA: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I'm at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? MICK: Word. SANTA: What word? MICK: Word in Office. SANTA: The only word in office is office. MICK: The Word in Office for Windows. SANTA: Which word in office for windows? MICK: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". SANTA: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet? MICK: Yes, you want Real. SANTA: Sure I may want to watch a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need! MICK: Real. SANTA: Well, I don’t want a fake one! MICK: Of course. SANTA: So what do I get? MICK: Real Player. SANTA: Yes, I want a Real Player. MICK: And you’ll have one. SANTA: A Real Player? MICK: Certainly. SANTA: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? MICK: You click the blue "r". SANTA: I click the blue what? MICK: The blue "r". SANTA: The blue “r” what? MICK: Just the blue “r” SANTA: The blue “r” what? MICK: The blue “r” nothing. SANTA: If the blue “r” nothing, how do I watch the movie? MICK: You click the blue “r” SANTA: Is that different from the blue w? MICK: The blue "r" is the Real Player and the blue "W" is Word. SANTA: What word? MICK: The Word in Office for Windows. SANTA: But there are three words in "office for windows"! MICK: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. SANTA: What is? MICK: Word. SANTA: Word? MICK: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. Word pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there. SANTA: Word? MICK: Woooord, mate! SANTA: I don’t know what you’re talking about! What about bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? MICK: Money. SANTA: That's right. What do you have? MICK: Money. SANTA: I need money to track my money? MICK: It comes bundled with your computer. SANTA: What's bundled with my computer? MICK: Money. SANTA: Money comes with my computer? MICK: Yes. No extra charge. SANTA: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? MICK: One copy. SANTA: Isn't it illegal to copy money? MICK: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money. SANTA: They can give you a license to copy money? MICK: Why not? THEY OWN IT! SANTA: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money? MICK: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago. SANTA: Well, what do you sell in its place? MICK: Money. SANTA: You sell money? MICK: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free. SANTA: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting? MICK: Simply Accounting. SANTA: Probably, but it might get a little complicated. MICK: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B. SANTA: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for? MICK: Mind Your Own Business. SANTA: I beg your pardon? MICK: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B. SANTA: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money. MICK: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more. SANTA: More money? MICK: More than Money. Money can't do everything. SANTA: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data? MICK: GoBack. SANTA: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend? MICK: GoBack. SANTA: How many times do I have to repeat myself? MICK: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack. SANTA: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal? MICK: Word. SANTA: What word? MICK: Word in Office. SANTA: Don’t start that again. MICK: Hullo. . .Hullo. . . Customers, I tell you! A FEW DAYS LATER . . .
MICK: TWINKLE computer store. Can I help you? SANTA: How do I turn my computer off? MICK: Click on "START". SANTA: Now don't you start that again.... MICK: But I thought you wanted to "STOP". SANTA: That's right. This thing has been on for 3 days and I can't find the "STOP" button. MICK: Click on "START". SANTA: I don't wanna start! MICK: But you have to click on "START". SANTA: Why do I have to click on "START"? MICK: So you can stop..... SANTA: So I have to click on "START" to "STOP"? MICK: That's so you can log off. SANTA: I click "START" and then I log off. MICK: That's right, you log off. SANTA: I log off. MICK: That's right, now go ahead and log off. SANTA; What if I don't have a log. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A FIREPLACE!!!!! MICK: No, you don't need a log. You just want to get the computer out of Windows. SANTA: Which ones? MICK: Which what? SANTA: Which Windows? MICK: The only Windows you've got. SANTA: So it doesn't matter which Windows? MICK: You just want to get out of Windows. (Sound of wood and metal scraping followed by breaking glass)
MICK: Hey, what was that? SANTA: Oh, I threw the computer out the front windows! MICK: You what?!!! SANTA: You said it didn't matter which windows, so the front windows were closer than the back ones....
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I believe
the original was written some 15 years ago by one Thomas King, but there are
over 20 versions floating around on the net. I am grateful to whoever. . . I have no intentions of demeaning
or making fun of anybody or any caste/creed/race. Similarities, if any, are
purely coincidental.
The Battle of Spion Kop, an
extremely bloody battle, was fought about 38 km (24 mi) west-south-west
of Ladysmith on the hilltop of Spioenkop along the Tugela River, Natal
in South Africa from 23–24 January 1900. It was fought between the South
African Republic and the Orange Free State on the one hand and British
forces during the Second Boer War campaign to relieve the besieged city
of Ladysmith in Natal. It was a Boer victory.
What is not known is that Mahatma Gandhi, yes, Mohandas
Karamchand Gandhi took part in the Boer War, on the side of the British
Forces. He was a Warrant Officer since Indians could not be
commissioned unless they were Rajas or Maharajas.
The British suffered 243 fatalities during the battle; many were buried
in the trenches where they fell. Approximately 1,250 British were
either wounded or captured. Mohandas Gandhi was a stretcher-bearer at
that battle and was decorated. HE WAS DECORATED! I have written a
detailed story about this battle, because, at one time, he, Winston
Churchill, a journalist stationed in South Africa who had also been
commissioned as a lieutenant in the South African Light Horse for freedom of movement, General Botha, who was the first Prime Minister of the Union of South
Africa were within 100 metres of each other at Spion Kop on 24 Jan 1900. They were to meet in their individual capacities over the next forty-plus years.
British arrogance was at its peak. Their rate of advance in any
battle was tortoise-like. The baggage would invariably carry an Iron
bathtub for the General in command, plus other stuff like a complete
kitchen plus bar, shitpots/commodes, and so on.
In short General Buller was desperate to relieve Ladysmith after being earlier
routed by the Boers at Colenso. So he decided to take Spioenkop which
was only held by a small force of about 100 Boers. The trek by a force of
1,700 men under Major General Woodgate started climbing the daunting hill
with its steep sides at 9pm on the 23rd January - reaching the plateau below
the summit at about 2am.
They were ordered to fix bayonets in preparation for close combat and as
they moved towards the summit occupied by the Boers a Boer Guard called out
"Wie's daar" (Who's there) - then fired a shot in the direction of
the approaching soldiers.
The Boers caught unaware by the raid on their position fled and the British
took over what they soon realised was a very exposed summit. Very little
cover - just a few large boulders. Their exposed position in bright red tunics
left them as sitting ducks for sniper attack by the Boers hidden in the
neighbouring hills. Woodgate realised the predicament and the British soldiers,
already exhausted from their climb, were ordered to build a large shallow
trench about 40 centimeters deep - where they could hide from gunfire.
The Boer General, Louis Botha, ordered 400 of his men to
launch an attack on the north east face of Spioenkop - coming from the cover
of the conical hill sanctuary. There was thick mist and all these counter
attack preparations, including the placement of seven field guns by the Boers,
all pointing at the summit - an area not much larger than football
field. (The flat area on Spioenkop is just over 1000 metres in
circumference).
Image right - the enormous mass grave where hundreds
of British soldiers are buried.
It was only 6.30am when the exhausted British soldiers finished digging their
shallow defensive trench and at 7am when the mist lifted Woodgate realised
that his men were exposed to the hills nearby so he ordered them to move
to the shelter of the rocks lying facing conical hill some one hundred meters
way from the summit. When the mist cleared at 8am the Boers sitting on the
nearby hills could easily pick out the British soldiers in their red tunics
and started firing with deadly accuracy. During this initial attack Woodgate
was mortally wounded and confusion reigned as to who was now in command.
By midday the Boers had advanced onto the plateau and were firing directly
at the British defensive positions not 100 meters way.
At 1pm 172 Lancashire Fusiliers on the right flank surrendered to the Boers
coming from conical hill. The men were exhausted, suffering from the heat
and high casualties both dead and wounded.
At this time the Boers under General Burger started to outflank the British
by attacking from the south side - from Aloe Knoll. When it appeared that
the British would have to surrender or die a large relief force was sent
in by Buller through Aloe Knoll and Burger and his men escaped as darkness
fell.
The British retreated from the deadly Spioenkop as did the Boers - who returned
the next morning to get their dead - finding the devastation that they had
created - killing 343 British soldiers in their worst defeat of the entire
Boer War. A further 563 British soldiers were wounded - while just 68 Boers
were killed.
Deneys Reitz who was in the attacking force described it thus on the morning
of the 25th: "There must have been 600 dead men on this strip of earth,
and there cannot have been many battlefields where there was such an accumulation
of horrors within so small a compass."
The thing that strikes one about the summit of Spioenkop is the lack of vegetation
and what was there was largely dead. Just a few spring flowers dared live
in this place of death.
Deneys says, " I boarded a north-bound
goods train and travelled home in a cattle-truck, getting-there in three
days time. My father did not know I was coming, and although he gave me a
warm welcome, he insisted on my returning at once, as he said the British
were on the eve of delivering another great blow on the Tugela, and that
my place was in Natal. I told him that the burghers thought there would be
no more serious fighting, but he shook his head and said he only wished he
could share our optimism.
I was disappointed, as I had been looking forward to the luxury of home life
and good food for a little while, but I saw his point and started back on
the second day.
I reached our camp at Ladysmith on January 23rd (1900) to find that volunteers
were being called for to go to the Tugela, and I now heard that General Buller
had moved the English army twenty-five miles upstream from Colenso in preparation
for another big-scale attack in the vicinity of Spioenkop, a Prominent hill
forming part of the Boer line on the north bank of the Tugela. Already they
were hammering away at different points, seeking a weak spot at which to
thrust; so my father had been right, and, indeed, the situation was so critical
that reinforcements were being sent from every commando lying around Ladysmith.
From the Pretoria laager fifty volunteers were asked for, and more than three
times that number immediately offered themselves. The Field-Cornet made a
selection which included Isaac Malherbe, my brother and myself and our three
remaining tent-mates, Charles Jeppe, de Vos and Heinecke, as well as several
more of our corporalship.
We set out within an hour of my arrival from Pretoria, and crossed the Klip
River after dark, riding all night round by the west until we reached the
rear of Spion Kop at day-break. As we rode, we could hear the sound of heavy
gun-fire from the forward hills, and it never ceased for any length of time
although we were still too far back to be in it, danger.
After a short halt to rest our horses and cook breakfast, we were ordered
to the top of a steep ridge lying about a mile to the right, where we had
to dig a reserve trench. A mule-wagon had accompanied us from Ladysmith carrying
provisions, ammunition and a supply of pick-axes and shovels, with which
unaccustomed tools we started up the slope, horses and all.
When we had dug for some time, Field-Cornet Zeederberg, who was always very
kind to me, said that as I was the youngest I need not dig any more and could
go down to where the wagon had been left for a rest. Nothing loath, I made
haste to reach the halting-place, and, leaving my horse in charge of the
mule-drivers, I started out to see what was going on in the front positions,
which were out of sight from where we had been digging.
Ever since sunrise there had come the unbroken boom of
guns and the rattle of small arms, and now that I was free I decided to walk
across the intervening hills to the firing-line. As I went, the gun and
rifle-fire grew louder, and before long I reached a point from which I could
see the Boer front strung out along the top of the next rise.
Black mushrooms of earth and smoke hung along the course of the positions
from the heavy shells flung across the Tugela, and puff's of shrapnel flecked
the air above. From the noise I judged that a battle was in full progress
and, after some hesitation, I hurried on and reached the line in safety.
The spectacle from here was a fine one. Far below on the plain the Tugela
wound shining in the sun, and the bank beyond was alive with English foot
and horse. From the wooded hills farther back came the flashes of the British
guns, and in the din I asked myself more than once why I had been foolish
enough to come.
During the preceding days the English had effected a lodgment at numerous
points on our side of the river, and their troops were occupying such spurs
and ridges running up from the water's edge as they had been able to seize.
The Boers, on being pushed back, had reformed along the crest of the height,
where they were now holding a series of hastily dug trenches and whatever
natural cover they could find, and were stoutly resisting any further
encroachments of the enemy, who in places were lying within a few hundred
yards of us.
The Positions here were held by Free State commandos while downstream lay
the Transvaalers. There were probably ten or twelve thousand burghers in
all on these hills, with the bastion of Spion Kop standing like a pivot in
the centre. For the most part the men made slight reply to the fire in order
to husband their ammunition, and our artillery kept silent for the same reason,
although it was estimated that there were over two hundred guns firing at
us, and I have heard that this was the heaviest concentration of gun fire
that has been seen in any war up to the present.
The casualties were considerable and I saw some men fearfully mutilated,
including a father and son of the Frankfort commando who were torn to pieces
by a howitzer shell, their rifles being sent spinning down the incline at
the back of us.
It was a day of strain. Not only was there the horror of seeing men killed
and maimed, but there was the long-drawn tension and fear of the approaching
shells.
This tremendous volume of fire indicated an early attack, and throughout
the day we looked to see the storm break at any moment, but, as it turned
out, the bombardment was a feint, the real blow being delivered after midnight
at a different point.
I was entitled to quit the line as my unit lay in the rear, but I did not
like to go, and remained until things died down towards sunset, when I could
return without loss of face. I found the Pretoria volunteers where I had
left them digging that morning. They must have worked well, for they had
completed quite a long trench.
I joined Isaac Malherbe and others sitting round the fires cooking their
supper, and, watching the light fade away over the distant Drakensbergen,
I chatted for a quiet hour with men who were mostly dead next morning.
Field-Cornet Zeederberg now ordered me down with him to the supply wagon.
He said he was going to spend the night there, and, as he might require to
send a message up to the trench, I was to come with him for I had good climbing
legs.
When we got below, a tent had been pitched for him which I was allowed to
share, and I was soon fast asleep. It rained at intervals during the night,
and towards three in the morning we were waked by an angry stutter of rifle-fire
coming from Spion Kop. We sat up listening, but as there was nothing we could
do in the rain and darkness, and as after a while the firing died down, we
fell asleep again.
At sunrise loud gun - and rifle-fire broke out along the front on which I
had been the day before; but, as it was no worse than it had then been, Mr
Zeederberg and I were not unduly perturbed and sat sipping our morning coffee
in the lee of the wagon out of the way of the spent bullets that whined over
our heads.
As we breakfasted one of our Pretoria men galloped up with a message to say that the British had made a night attack and had captured
Spion Kop. This was most serious, for if the hill went-the entire Tugela
line would go with it, and we could hardly bring ourselves to believe the
news. The man, however, assured us that it was true, but he said that a strong
force of burghers was assembling below the hill and that Isaac Malherbe had
ridden down by a short cut with all the men who were with him, so we shouted
to the mule-drivers to saddle our horses, and filling up with ammunition
from a box on the wagon we followed on the heels of our guide.
Heavy shells were lobbing over as we went but we had not far to go and in
less than fifteen minutes reached the bottom of Spion Kop. Here stood hundreds
of saddled horses in long rows, and we looked up at an arresting sight.
The Boer counter-attack had started shortly before. Eight or nine hundred
riflemen were climbing up the steep side of the hill in face of a close-range
fire from the English troops who had established themselves on the flat summit
overnight. Many of our men dropped, but already the foremost were within
a few yards of the rocky edge which marked the crest, and soldiers were rising
from behind their cover to meet the final rush. For a moment or two there
was confused hand-to-hand fighting, then the combatants surged over the rim
on to the plateau beyond, where we could no longer see them.
Spellbound,
we watched until our men passed out of view, and then, recovering ourselves,
dismounted, and tying our horses with the rest, hurried up in the wake of
the attack.
Dead and dying men lay all along the way, and there was proof that the Pretoria
men had gone by, for I soon came on the body of John Malherbe, our Corporal's
brother, with a bullet between his eyes; a few paces farther lay two more
dead men of our commando. Farther on I found my tent-mate, poor Robert Reinecke,
shot through the head, and not far off L. de Villiers of our corporals
lay dead. Yet higher up was Krige, another of Isaac's men, with a bullet
through both lungs, still alive, and beyond him Walter de Vos of my tent,
shot through the chest, but smiling cheerfully as we passed. Apart from the
Pretoria men there were many other dead and wounded, mostly Carolina burghers
from the eastern Transvaal, who formed the bulk of the assaulting column.
Spion Kop,although steep, is not very high on the northern slope where we
went up, and it did not take us long to reach the top. Here we found that
the advance had got no farther than the fringe of loose rocks that runs like
a girdle around the upper tableland. For the rest of the flat stretch beyond
was still wholly in the hands of the British, who lay in a shallow trench
behind a long low wall of stone about twenty yards away. From here came a
vicious rifle-fire that made further progress impossible. It was marvellous
that the Boors had got even thus far, for they had swarmed up the bare hillside
in the face of a devastating fire, and they had pushed home the attack with
such vigour that the narrow belt of rocks was thickly strewn with their dead.
I met my brother coming down in charge of captured soldiers and did not see
him again as he had orders to escort them to Ladysmith, and he took no further
part in the battle.
Giving him a hurried handshake, I went forward to the firing-line a few yards
farther on. During the short delay I lost touch with Mr Zeederberg, and when
I inquired from the men crouching behind the rocks for Isaac Malherbe, I
was told by Red Daniel Opperman, the officer in command, that he had sent
the Pretorians round to the ledge a few minutes earlier to rake the English
flank. Working my way in that direction, I reached a spot where the out-crop
of rocks came to a dead end. From here spread a patch of open ground until
the ledge reappeared a hundred yards beyond.
One of the men holding this point told me that the Pretoria men had doubled
across the gap shortly before and were now lying among the rocks on the far
side, so I decided to follow; but the moment I left cover I drew so hot a
fire that I was thankful to dive back for shelter and give up the attempt.
Halfway across lay the huddled body of a dead man, and now that I had time
to look more carefully a him I recognized Charles Jeppe, the last of my
tent-mates. His death affected me keenly, for we had been particularly good
friends. Outwardly he was a surly man, but he had shown me many a kindness
since first we messed together on the Natal border. As I was unable to find
my Corporal, I now returned to where I had first reached the top and took
my place in the firing-line.
During my absence about fifty soldiers had run forward to surrender, but
otherwise things were going none too well. We were sustaining heavy casualties
from the English 'schans' immediately in front of us, and the men
grew restive under the galling point-blank fire, a thing not to be wondered
at, for the moral effect of Lee-Metford volleys at twenty yards must be
experienced to be appreciated. The English troops lay so near that one could
have tossed a biscuit among them, and whilst the losses which they were causing
us were only too evident, we on our side did not know that we were inflicting
even greater damage upon them. Our own casualties lay hideously among us,
but theirs were screened from view behind the breastwork, so that the comfort
of knowing that we were giving worse than we received was denied us.
Fortunately, towards nine o'clock the situation eased, for the Transvaal
artillerists got their guns into action on a commanding spur a mile away,
and they began to fire over our heads into the troops crowded on the restricted
space on the plateau before us. As the guns searched the hill-top the English
fire slackened, and from then onward our losses were less. The position,
however, remained unsatisfactory. The sun became hotter and hotter, and we
had neither food nor water. Around us lay scores of dead and wounded men,
a depressing sight, and by midday a feeling of discouragement had gained
ground that was only kept in check by Commandant Opperman's forceful personality
and vigorous language to any man who seemed to be wavering. Had it not been
for him the majority would have gone far sooner than they did, for the belief
spread that we were being left in the lurch. We could see large numbers of
horsemen collecting at the laagers on the plain behind, but no reinforcements
reached us throughout the day. I repeatedly heard old Red Daniel assure the
men that help would be forthcoming, but from the way he kept scanning the
country below I could see that he was getting uneasy himself.
As the hours dragged on a trickle of men slipped down the hill, and in spite
of his watchful eye this gradual wastage so depleted our strength that long
before nightfall we were holding the blood-spattered ledge with a mere handful
of rifles. I wanted to go too, but the thought of Isaac and my other friends
saved me from deserting. No further attempt was made to press forward, and
for the rest of this terrible day both sides stubbornly held their ground,
and, although the battle remained stationary, the heavy close-range rifle-fire
continued hours after hour, and the tale of losses mounted while we lay in
the blazing heat.
I saw a strange incident during the morning. Near me was a German named von
Brusewitz. He had been an officer in the German army, but the year before
he had run a civilian through with his sword during some scuffle in a Berlin
cafe. There was a great outcry over the incident, and to allay popular clamour
the German Emperor broke him from his regiment. They say that in Germany
the word 'Brusewitzerei' is still used to denote the arrogance of
the officer caste. However that may be, von Brusewitz was now on top of Spion
Kop, where he seemed bent on getting killed, for although we warned him not
to expose himself too recklessly, he paid no heed, and repeatedly stood out
from among the rocks to fire.
As the English soldier were so close to us this was sheer folly, and after
he had tempted providence several times the inevitable happened. I saw him
rise once more, and, lighting a cigarette, puff away careless of the flying
bullets until we heard a thud, and he fell dead within a few feet of me,
shot through the head. Not long after this something similar happened. An
old Kaffir servant came whimpering up among us from below, looking for his
master's body. I advised him to be careful as he went from rock to rock peering
over to examine the dead men lying inthe open, but he would not listen,
and soon he too had a bullet through his brain.
The hours went by; we kept watch, peering over and firing whenever a helmet
showed itself, and in reply the soldiers volleyed unremittingly. We were
hungry, thirsty and tired; around us were the dead men covered with swarms
of flies attracted by the smell of blood. We did not know the cruel losses
that the English were suffering, and we believed that they were easily holding
their own, so discouragement spread as the shadows lengthened.
Batches of men left the line, openly defying Red Daniel, who was impotent
in the face of this wholesale defection, and when at last the sun set I do
not think there were sixty men left on the ledge.
Darkness fell swiftly; the firing died away, and there was silence, save
for a rare shot and the moans of the wounded. For a long time I remained
at my post, staring into the night to whew the enemy lay, so close that I
could hear the cries of their wounded and the murmur of voices from behind
their breastwork.
Afterwards my nerve began to go, and I thought I saw figures with bayonets
stealing forward. When I tried to find the men who earlier in the evening
had been beside me, they were gone. Almost in a panic I left my place and
hastened along the fringe of rocks in search of company, and to my immense
relief heard a gruff 'Wer da?' It was Commandant Opperman still in
his place with about two dozen men. He told me to stay beside him, and we
remained here until after ten o'clock, listening to the enemy who were talking
and stumbling about in the darkness beyond.
At last Opperman decided to retreat, and wedescended the hill by the way
which he had climbed up nearly six-teen hours before, our feet striking
sickeningly at times against the dead bodies in our path. When we reached
the bottom most of the horses were gone, the men who had retired having taken
their mounts and ridden away, but our own animals, and those belonging to
the dead or wounded were still standing without food or water where they
had been left at daybreak.
The first thing to do was to quench our raging thirst and that of our horses
at a spring near by. We then consulted as to our next move. Most of the wounded
had been taken off in the course of the day, but we found a few serious cases
that would not bear transport Collected in charge of an old man, who, by
the dim light of a lantern, was attending to their wants. We could get no
coherent information and stood discussing what to do next, for we did not
know that the English had also been fought to a standstill, and that they
in turn were at that very moment retreating down their own side of Spion
Kop. We fully believed that the morning would see them streaming through
the breach to the relief of Ladysmith, and the rolling up of all our Tugela
line.
While we were talking, Mr Zeederberg came out of the dark. I had lost sight
of him during most of the day, but he had been on the hill all the time,
and had only come down shortly before us. He had seen nothing of Isaac Malherbe
and the rest of our Pretoria men, and had no idea of what had become of them.
A few more stragglers joined us and we agreed to lead our horses to the Carolina
wagon-laager that, as we knew, lay not far off. We foraged for food in the
saddlebags of such horses as were left, and then went off. When we reached
the laager we found everything in a state of chaos. The wagons were being
hurriedly packed, and the entire Carolina commando was making ready to retire
They had borne the brunt of the day's battle and had fought bravely, but,
now that the struggle was over, a reaction had set in and there was panic
in the camp. Fortunately, just as the foremost wagons moved away and the
horsemen were getting ready to follow, there came the sound of galloping
hoofs, and a man rode into our midst who shouted to them to halt. I could
not see his face in the dark, but word went round that it was Louis Botha,
the new Commandant-General, appointed in place of Piet Joubert who was seriously
ill. He addressed the men from the saddle, telling them of the shame that
would be theirs if they deserted their posts in this hour of danger; and
so eloquent was his appeal that in a few minutes the men were filing off
into the dark to reoccupy their positions on either side of the Spion Kop
gap. I believe that he spent the rest of the night riding from commando to
commando exhorting and threatening, until he persuaded the men to return
to the line, thus averting a great disaster.
As for Commandant Opperman and our party, now that the Carolina burghers
were returning we led our horses back to the foot of Spion Kop, to wait there.
We woke with the falling of the dew and, as the sky lightened, gazed eagerly
at the dim outline of the hill above, but could make out no sign of life.
Gradually the dawn came and still there was no movement. Then to our utter
surprise we saw two men on the top triumphantly waving their hats and holding
their rifles aloft. They were Boers, and their presence there was proof that,
almost unbelievably, defeat had turned to victory—the English were gone
and the hill was still ours.
Below are three images scanned from Michael Davitt's excellent 1902 book "The Boer Fight for Freedom".
The images graphically display the tragic loss of life by the British
over a stupid hill in the middle of nowhere.
Leaving our horses to fend for themselves, We were soon hastening up the
slope past the dead until we reached yesterday's bloody ledge. From here
we hurried across to the English breastworks, to find them abandoned. On
our side of the fighting-line there had been many casualties, but a worse
sight met our eyes behind the English schanses.
In the shallow trenches where they had fought the soldiers lay dead in swathes,
and in places they were piled three deep.
The Boer guns in particular had wrought terrible havoc and some of the bodies
were shockingly mutilated. There must have been six hundred dead men on this
strip of earth, and there cannot have been many battlefields where there
was such an accumulation of horrors within so small a compass.
Shortly after I reached the top, Isaac Malherbe and the remaining Pretoria
men came up. They had spent the night somewhere below the kop, and like ourselves
had come up the moment they realized that the English were gone. Isaac looked
grim and worn, grieved at the death of his brother and of our other companions,
but he was full of courage, and so were we all, for from where we stood we
could look down on the Tugela River, and we were now able to grasp the full
significance of our unexpected success.
Long columns of troops and long convoys of transport were re-crossing to
the south bank, and everywhere the British were in full retreat from the
positions which they had captured on this side of the streams and the clouds
of dust rising on the Colenso road told us that General Buller's second great
attempt to pierce the Tugela defences had failed. We spent the next hour
or two helping the English Red Cross doctors and bearer parties that came
up to bury their dead and carry away their wounded. By now hundreds of other
burghers had arrived, mostly men who had retreated the day before, but like
ourselves had loitered in neighbouring kloofs and gullies to see if they
could renew the fight.
Towards midday Isaac Malherbe ordered us to collect our Pretoria dead. We
carried them down in blankets, and when the commando wagon came up we placed
the bodies on board and escorted them to Ladysmith, whence they were sent
to Pretoria for burial. So we rode behind the wagon which carried all that
was left of our friends and companions, their horses trotting alongside with
empty saddles.
I personally came home to a deserted tent, for within a few weeks four good
friends had gone from it to their death, and our fifth messmate, de Vos,
was lying dangerously wounded at some laager below Spion Kop. Only my brother
and I were left, and he had been sent to Pretoria with the prisoners, so
I was all alone, except for our faithful old native retainer, who did what
he could to cheer me up.
A Translation Error Ended up Making India Part of the Bible
Christianity
has long been a part of India’s religious diversity. Syrian Christians
claim that Thomas, one of the original 12 disciples of Jesus,
established their community almost 2,000 years ago. Medieval Christians
in Europe believed that Bartholomew, another disciple of Jesus,
evangelised North India while Thomas headed south. India also influenced
Christianity in the West. Around the year 1,000, reports reached Europe
of two Indian saints who, supposedly, had continued the work of Thomas.
These saints, known as Barlaam and Josaphat, soon became popular, and
their biographies were read throughout Europe. In fact, their life
stories were slightly altered translations of Sanskrit narratives about
the life of Siddhartha Gautama. The Buddha became not one, but two
Christian saints.
Another
error in translation brought India into Jerome’s Latin Bible, where it
remained at the heart of Catholic belief for over 1,500 years. Jerome,
who lived in 347-420 CE, was a monk from modern Croatia who undertook a
pioneering translation of the Hebrew Old Testament and Greek New
Testament into Latin, the language of the Roman empire. But Jerome also
found time to indulge other interests, including a fascination for
India. He seems to have read nearly everything about the Subcontinent
that would have been available in Greek and Latin. His letters to
friends, colleagues and potential converts are full of references to
features of South Asian life in that period – the caste system,
Buddhism, and sati. They also mention magical gems and fabulous
creatures, like the unicorn, that people in the Mediterranean region
believed could be found in India.
With
India on his mind, Jerome made a mistake in translating the Hebrew
Bible that would influence Christianity for many centuries. In a passage
of the Book of Job (chapter 28, verse 16), Jerome translated a Hebrew
expression meaning “the gold of Ophir” (a region in East Africa) as “the
dyed colours of India”, referring to the brightly-coloured cotton cloth
that India was already exporting throughout the world. Indian textiles
were a highly valuable commodity in the ancient Mediterranean. Greek and
Roman traders travelled to Indian ports like Arikamedu, near
present-day Puducherry, to buy cloth, spices and other luxuries, in
exchange for gold. It was only natural, therefore, that Roman subjects
like Jerome associated India with rich colours and valuable dyestuff.
Fascination with India
After
the decline of the Roman empire in the 5th century, and particularly
after the rise of Islam in the 7th century, Europe was isolated from
India. Westerners saw little of the Subcontinent’s vivid cotton cloth
until Vasco da Gama’s 15th-century voyage to India around the coast of
Africa. But Europeans of the Middle Ages were still enthralled by India,
and particularly by the allusive reference to it in Jerome’s
translation, which had become the standard version of the Bible used by
the Roman Catholic Church.
Generations
of Christian thinkers pondered the spiritual significance of “the dyed
colours of India”. One of the most popular interpretations came from
Gregory the Great, a 7th-century pope. Gregory said that Indian cloth
was a metaphor for “the brightness of false philosophy”, for people who
seem wise and holy but are really only dyed with “an exterior colour of
righteousness”. India itself, “which produces a black race, is this
world, in which the dark life of man is engendered in sin”. Bright
Indian cloth and dark Indian bodies signified sin, he insisted, while
Christian virtue was white “like an undyed garment”. Gregory’s
interpretation casts the Subcontinent as a land of temptation and vice,
yet it also shows that India was seen as a place of wealth and
sophistication with which Europe, then in its dark ages, could not
compare. Whether medieval Christians saw India as a symbol of evil or as
the home of saints like Thomas and Barlaam, the Subcontinent remained a
source of fascination.
Some time back (10 February 2017), Lockheed stated that it
intended to manufacture the F-16 Block-70/72 aircraft with a local partner in
India (Tata), under PM Modi's Make-in-India programme, if the Indian Air Force agreed to purchase the aircraft. Going by the
rate at which India manufactures aircraft, the statement of first rollout by
2019 is a chimera. The first aircraft will fly in perhaps 2023 and the prototype
will attain FOC in 2025 or so. Thereafter India may sell the 1972-design aircraft
to interested buyers. As of today, the only country interested in buying this
1972 model aircraft is Pakistan! Even the USA has terminated its F-16
programme.
The Indian Air Chief is on record as of 04 Oct. 2017 that the IAF is putting up a proposal for single-engined jet fighters as twin-jets are too expensive. The number will depend on how many fronts we will be fighting on, currently assumed as two. At least 112 will be required as the MiG-27 and Jaguars are phased out.
US defence major Lockheed Martin has firmed up its plans to
produce the latest version of its iconic F-16 fighter jets only in India under
the Make in India programme. Lockheed Martin is currently scouting for land to
set up its manufacturing unit. According to sources, it is looking to set up
the plant in a State that will have a runway near a port.
Under the deal, the company will be manufacturing the latest
version of the jets – F-16 Block 70/72 – that will be produced ‘exclusively’ in
India. This will be the ‘most advanced’ version and will not be built anywhere
else in the world. The F-16 project is a government-to-government deal that
will be conducted through the Foreign Military Sales (FMS) route. However, it seems Lockheed Martin has no
plans to take the 100 per cent foreign direct investment route for the
programme. It is likely to co-produce the F-16s in collaboration with the
Tata Advanced Systems Ltd., which has been its partner for other defence and
aerospace programmes such as the C-130 cargo plane.
India had long been demanding that the F-16s it buys will
have to be more advanced than what is sold to neighbouring Pakistan. This is
absolute rubbish, and the F-16 was rejected by India in the MMRCA face-off as
being too old a design with too many inherent snags, which haven’t been resolved
over 40 years. For instance, it is the only Fly-By-Wire aircraft in the world
that has minimum speed restrictions. However, with the recent push on India-US
defence ties, talks on setting up the F-16 plant in India have steadily
progressed. The deal was ‘almost finalised’ when Prime Minister Narendra Modi
had visited Washington last year, during Obama’s tenure. What will happen with
Trump in the saddle-pun intended-is still to be read in the tea leaves.
The Trump Administration is taking a fresh look at
Lockheed's proposal to have a F-16 manufacturing base in India if New Delhi
agrees to buy the fighter jets, company officials said. "For several
months, we've been working with President Trump's transition and
governance teams and leaders in Congress providing information on our many
programmes and potential business opportunities--including the proposed sale of
F-16 fighter aircraft to India," a Lockheed official said. Lockheed, which
is one of the top global manufacturers of fighter jets, said that its officials
have briefed the Trump Administration on the current proposal, which was
supported by the Obama Administration as part of a broader cooperative dialogue
with the Government of India.
"We understand that the Trump Administration will want
to take a fresh look at some of these programmes and we stand prepared to
support that effort to ensure that any deal of this importance is properly
aligned with US policy priorities," the official said. Ultimately, the
configuration of any F-16 sale to India will be determined by
government-to-government discussions, the Lockheed official noted referring to
the fact that all major defence sales needs approval of the US Government. The
official said that the company continues to believe that the F-16 is the
right aircraft to meet India's fighter aircraft needs and the opportunity to
sell F-16 aircraft to India represents a significant opportunity for the US
economy. "The selection of the F-16 by India would preserve US jobs at
Lockheed Martin and throughout our US supply chain. It could also create
opportunities for future aircraft sales and upgrades by keeping F-16 production
active," the official said.
According to Lockheed, which has been in India for more than
25 years, this unique F-16 opportunity delivers advanced defence capabilities
and strengthens the strategic partnership between the US and India. The F-16 is
ready for any challenge, combining innovative structural and capability
upgrades, such as the Active Electronically Scanned Array radar with a new
avionics architecture. The Block 70 software further enhances capabilities
through an advanced datalink, precision GPS navigation and Automatic Ground
Collision Avoidance System, the official said.
During the 2016 visit, Modi finalised the Logistics Exchange
Memorandum of Agreement (LEMOA) with the US, which is one of the three crucial
foundational agreements that strengthened India-US defence ties. India is also
negotiating the remaining two foundational pacts with US. As a result, the F-16
programme of Lockheed Martin received a major thrust, with strengthened ties. Indian Air Force is in desperate need of modern fighter aircraft as it
grapples with an ageing fleet. They have conveniently forgotten that the F-16
is a 1972 design! And that it couldn't cope with well-flown MiG-21s!
India and France have concluded a long-awaited deal
that would see the transfer of 36 Dassault Rafale multi-role fighters to India
in fly-away condition. Despite lingering questions around pricing, the Rafale
deal will help the Indian Air Force fill an important capability starting in
2019, when the first Rafale jet is expected to arrive in India. However, 36
jets still leaves the IAF far short of its sanctioned squadron strength. The
Indian Air Force ideally wants to field between 42 and 45 squadrons by the
late-2020s and getting there will require additional procurement — especially
as much of its existing inventory continues to march toward obsolescence and
some of its newer jets, like the Su-30MKI, have faced technical difficulties in
recent years as well.
Of course, before we had the 36-jet government-to-government
take on the Rafale acquisition, India had the Medium Multi-Role Combat Aircraft
(MMRCA) tender — once known as the ‘mother of all defence deals.’ Through the
MMRCA, India sought to acquire 126 jets, seeking to manufacture 112 within
India. Ultimately, liability and quality assurance issues bogged down
negotiations with Dassault, leading to the collapse of the MMRCA altogether.
Though the MMRCA is dead, its ghost continues to linger.
Reports have persisted throughout 2016 that the Indian Air Force is pushing for
a large fighter acquisition, with a significant domestic manufacturing
component, in line with Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modis ‘Make in India’
initiative.
Reuters reports that Delhi may pursue a 200-to-300-jet deal
for single-engine planes in India. If concluded with a single manufacturer, the
deal may be India’s largest ever, even dwarfing the original MMRCA. The Indian
Air Force may look to fully retire its Soviet-era fighter inventory, helping
partly alleviate the maintenance, logistics, and supply costs associated with
maintaining a fighter fleet comprised of platforms from several external
providers, including Russia, France, the UK and now potentially the United States.
In addition to helping the IAF get closer to its sanctioned
squadron strength, any potential deal that may be in the offing will hinge on
technology transfer — something that India missed out on with the evaporation
of the MMRCA and the terms of the final Rafale deal. As the MMRCA saga and the
two-year negotiation process for the government-to-government Rafale deal
demonstrated, getting from planned procurement to a concluded deal may be
difficult. It will be the biggest mistake India will make after inducting the MiG-21,besides screwing the IAF.
Major Drawbacks of the F-16:
The F-16 has the highest accident rate among its
generation in the world. It appears low because of sheer numbers of aircraft
produced- something like the Rape rate in India which is actually the lowest in
the world in %. On the other hand, only one Rafale has been lost so far!
It has the highest airframe fracture rate in the
world, exceeded only by the Comet, Buccaneer, Lightning, MiG-21 and Concorde,
all museum-pieces. In its last five years, the Buccaneer had a laughable 2G
limit.The F-16's structural weight has now increased by 3 tonnes, for the same
airframe.
The F-16’sundercarriage strut replacement rate is the highest in its class.
Its out-of-base serviceability record is the
poorest known in its class, with a 50% MTBF in India.
Its on-base LRU replacement rate is in excess of
1.0/per sortie. Unlike India, there is no shortage of LRUs in USA.
It is the only FBW aircraft that has minimum speed
limitations. I quote:" Flight
testing has revealed that assaulting multiple limiters at high AOA and low
speed can result in an AOA far exceeding the 25° limit, referred to as
'departure'; this causes a deep stall, a near-freefall at 50° to 60° AOA,
either upright or inverted. While at a very high AOA, the aircraft's attitude
is stable but control surfaces are ineffective; the pitch limiter locks the
stabilators at an extreme pitch-up or pitch-down attempting to recover, this
can be overridden so the pilot can 'rock' the nose via pitch control to
recover." There is no speed problem with the M-2000, the Rafale, the
Typhoon & the Gripen.
It is the only current gen aircraft that is banned
from low-level night flying, even with the LANTIRN.
Its HUD/Avionics suite does not offer an
auto-landing system like the M-2000.
Its HUD does not display engine power management.
Its canopy has to be jettisoned before ejecting.
Its combat presence is 40% that of the Rafale.
It has come a distant second-best to the Typhoon in
one-on-one tests.
Its frontal RCS is the highest in small-sized agile
fighters. (The SU-30 is huge, twice the F-16’s size).
Its heat/IR signature is the highest in its class,
due to its GE F110-GE-132 engine. This engine is a monster, delivering over 15
tonnes of thrust, forcing the ac to carry a 1000-L V/T at all times. Even so,
combat endurance is low. Interestingly, all take offs are in dry power, load
permitting, since its reheat burns off the runway surface.
It has a speed limit of 700 knots at LL, due intake
design, stabiliser design and a difficult M 2.0 at altitude.
It has the largest frontal Doppler blind zone and
beam quarters Doppler notch, to be addressed by its new AESA radar.
India has insisted that any foreign firm awarded the deal
will have to collaborate and manufacture in the country with a local partner to boost its drive to build a domestic air production base, an initiative by the
world's biggest arms importer to link its defence purchases, which could top $200 billion over a decade, to Prime Minister Narendra Modi's "Make in India" pitch.
Inaugurating the 2017 Bengaluru air show, Indian Defence Minister
Manohar Parrikar(since deceased) said no exceptions will be granted to setting up a facility to
produce planes in India, and it is up to companies making proposals to get
clearance with their governments. "That is my requirement," he said. India,
once heavily dependent on arms purchases from Russia, has diversified its
purchases in recent years and defence imports from the United States have grown
quickly in recent years. India's huge appetite for defence purchases to
modernise its armed forces attracted the world's top defence companies to the
air show.
Besides manufacturing, India has insisted on transfer of
technology as part of its efforts to build a domestic production base and end
its dependence on costly defence imports. That was not expected to be a
roadblock with the F-16 as American and Indian defence ties have grown in
recent years. It is widely believed that U.S.-India defence ties will be marked
more by "continuity than disruptive change." From India's standpoint,
he says any deal for fighter aircraft will have to be contingent on local
manufacturing. "For this government to go back on it and say that we are
just going to buy it off the shelf, or go with some screwdriver technology, it
is not going to go down well either with their own philosophy or with the
services."
The Block 70 aircraft includes Northrop Grumman’s APG-83
active electronically scanned array radar, new avionics, and a greatly improved
cockpit that can process data produced by advanced sensors. The aircraft
proposed for India will also include conformal fuel tanks. It will be powered
by the General Electric F110-GE-132 turbofan with a maximum thrust of 32,500
lbf (144.6 kN, 14,959 Kgf), the highest thrust engine developed for the F-16.
Empty weight: 18,900 lb (8,570 kg)
Loaded weight: 26,500 lb (12,000 kg)
Max. takeoff weight: 42,300 lb (19,200 kg)
Internal fuel: 7,000 pounds (3,200 kg)
Conformal Fuel Tanks
There is no change in the F-16’s internal fuel carrying capacity of 3,200 Kg/4,000L. Conformal Fuel Tanks (CFTs) are over-the-wing laterally mounted tanks that blend with the aerodynamic spinal configuration of the aircraft. Since nothing can be suspended from them as load, they are rather light. A set of two CFTs that provide a total of 1360 Kg (1,700L) of additional fuel for the F-16 weighs 420 Kg. The extra fuel can significantly extend mission range, time on station or time engaged in combat. This range/combat presence enhancement is very valuable for countries that do not have tankers for aerial refuelling. There are certain penalties, however. Drag and RCS both increase. While 9G turns can still be executed given its monstrous engine, minimum radius turns are affected (~6G, 350-75 kts). Thus the ac will have to operate in a predictable oblique mode. No dogfight will see two ac pulling 9G each, except in transient maneuvres. Low speed high alpha maneuvres were banned earlier.
The overall weight of the aircraft increases by 1,800 Kg; to stay within max T/O limit, ordnance/fuel tank weight has to be reduced by 1,800 Kg. CFTs increase the F-16's payload flexibility. For medium range air- to-surface missions, CFTs obviate wing tanks. This allows an increase in the F-16's primary weapon capacity and flying with two, rather than one, types of large weapons in a balanced configuration. An AAR tanker may change mission dynamics radically.
Armament
A fully armed F-16 Block 70-72 with the incongruous over-wing CFTs
Hardpoints: 2 × wing-tip Air-to-air missile launch rails, 6
× under-wing, and 3 × under-fuselage pylon (2 of 3 for sensors) stations with a
capacity of Up to 17,000 lb (7,700 kg) of stores.
In case the F-16 deal fails-which is most unlikely-SAAB is ready in the wings with its Gripen to fully meet all requirements demanded by India.
Years have passed and the world is reeling under the chaos caused by the Covid-19 Corona virus pandemic. The USA has proposed the F-21 as their contender in the 114-aircraft MMRCA deal.
The “F-21” has some advantages over the Block 70. Lockheed’s
promotional video shows the fighter with a remarkable ten missiles—eight
medium-range, radar-guided AMRAAM missiles plus two AIM-9X Sidewinder missiles.
Lockheed Martin says if F-21 wins the contract, then India
will be integrated into the company's global fighter ecosystem, which is a USD
165 billion dollar market. They will not sell this platform and the
configuration to anyone else in the world, a significant commitment by Lockheed
Martin showing the importance of India and importance of unique requirement
India has. It will not only set up a state-of-the-art F-21 manufacturing
facility along with the Tata Group but will also help India create an ecosystem
for overall growth of the country's defence manufacturing.
F-21 is similar to Lockheed's F-16 Block 70 combat jet, but
there are significant differences between the two platforms. F-21 is different
in terms of various aspects including its airframe, weapons capability, engine
matrix and availability of engine options. The new engine and airframe have
12,000 hours of service life. The jet has a Long-Range Infrared Search and
Track (IRST), enabling pilots to detect threats with precision and Triple
Missile Launcher Adapters (TMLAs) allowing it to carry 40 per cent more
air-to-air weapons.
The aircraft has an AESA (Active Electronically Scanned
Array) radar, a modern commercial off-the-shelf (COTS)-based avionics
subsystem, the AN/APX-126 Advanced IFF, the Joint Helmet Mounted Cueing System
II, CFT (Conformal Fuel Tanks) located overwing; a high-volume, high-speed data
bus as well as other features like a Link-16 Theatre Data Link, Sniper Advanced
Targeting Pod, advanced weapons, precision GPS navigation, and the Automatic
Ground Collision Avoidance System (Auto GCAS).
The Northrop Grumman’s advanced APG-83 AESA radar enables
greater detection and tracking ranges, multiple target track (20-plus target
tracks), high-resolution Synthetic Aperture Radar (SAR) maps for
all-environment precision strike, interleaved air-to-air and air-to-surface
mode operations for improved situational awareness, operational effectiveness
and survivability and robust electronic protection for operations in dense
radio frequency (RF) environments.
The additional 40 per cent weapons carrying capability is new
in F-21, an upgrade over the F-16 Block 70. The electronic warfare system is
uniquely developed for India. This fighter’s cockpit has a new large area
display. It is a modern cockpit and has a significant piece of ability to
synthesise information. These are unique capabilities that are not offered to
other countries in the world.
The F-21’s innovative technologies are derived from Lockheed
Martin’s F-22 and F-35 – the world’s only two operational 5th Generation
fighters. The F-21 is equipped with an Advanced APG-83 Active Electronically
Scanned Array (AESA) radar, which has detection ranges nearly double that of
previous mechanically scanned array radars and the ability to track and attack
more targets with higher precision. It has an Advanced Electronic Warfare (EW)
System, developed uniquely for India that provides enhanced survivability
against ground and air threats; Long-Range Infrared Search and Track (IRST),
enabling pilots to detect threats without being detected.
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