THAT ELUSIVE SODA

 THAT SPARKLING FIZZLER: SODA

As cities grow, some essential parts of it inexorably recede behind the arras. The street stalls retreat into the inner folds of the new city, local ice cream vendors turn coy and cede ground to nationally known brands, the baraf ka gola with its luscious layers of colourful flavours is banished into the exile of outdated and unhygienic practice, men on cycles with loud bells promising to sharpen knives or re-fluff our razaais thin out from the more affluent localities, varieties of street food gradually become legends found only on food shows and perhaps most importantly we don't find masala soda vendors on our roads.

Growing up in middle-class India, soda was an occasional treat. Tired of the exquisite cool balance of nimbu pant, and denied the exotic charms of orange squash (only for important guests), every now and then we strayed into the wanton arms of nimbu soda. Made from a simple concoction of lime, some chard masala and bante-wala soda (the bottle with the marble stuck inside it), the drink delivered a surprisingly strong kick. Soda activated what was hitherto docile and sweet into something wild and feral. We doused our throats with this searingly potent liquid, wiped our slightly masala-encrusted lips with the back of our hands and went aaaahh with a sense of relief too deeply located to be identified with any part of the body. The pleasure was experienced twice over— as the liquid burned a hole down our chests and as the gas effervesced its way out.

For soda was a permissible foray into hot-bloodedness, something we were allowed to indulge in,' notwithstanding its ability to re-order the civilised molecular equilibrium of stability ever so temporarily It made us feel alive as it hit the right spots and shook us out of the torpor induced by a relentless summer that baked us into slowness. It was not merely refreshing, it was deeply energising in its own unsettling way. It multiplied the bite of the lemon in an exponential manner till it became something that corroded the throat as it went down. A nimbu soda has all the finesse of a homemade bomb, with crude, readily available and altogether ordinary ingredients combining chemically to produce an incendiary effect. It disappeared even as it burned its way down leaving us the legacy of a burp or two. In many ways, we didn't drink the soda; it was the soda that consumed us. The lime gave it a bite, a hint of cruelty that makes things interesting while the masala made it pleasurably Indian. In some ways, the masala spoke to the 'Indian penchant for turning all foods into a form of chaat.

Soda drew its power from two different sources. The first was its form, its ability to effervesce with latent potency. Soda is all intent, with very little content, a powerful medium without a coherent message. The seemingly innocuous water-like appearance hides an explosive wildness that gets unleashed when the bottle is opened. The act of opening a bottle of soda is akin to setting free a genie seething in claustrophobic anger, only to awaken avidly with intent. Soda represents the unanticipated belligerence of the ordinary; the possession of the otherwise placid water by a fit of red-eyed road rage. The combination of sleepy passivity in appearance and snarling energy in action allowed soda to be legitimate while providing a measure of wildness to its drinkers.

The other source of its power perhaps lay in its association with alcohol. The darkness associated with alcohol rubbed off on its accomplice and soda got imbued with some of the aura of sinfulness that inevitably surrounded  'hard drinks'. Soda amplified with the dark power of whisky, it allowed alcohol to showcase its potency in a vividly visual way. When we drank soda we were allowed to consume sin from a detached but visible distance. Vice sparkled in a whisky and soda, and the ice clinked mystery

A whisky and soda simmered with masculine portent, with the soda allowing the whisky to slide out of the brooding layers of its murky liquidness and attach itself to our insides, alive, brandishing purpose. As a delivery vehicle for alcohol, it was both respectful and impatient, trading off its complexity for a quicker, more palpable hit. Soda made the whisky fire crackle, both in the glass and in the stomach.

The key to the allure of most soft drinks today lies in part at least to the fizzy power of soda. Without aeration, beverages turn stately and offer nutrition and other forms of maternally approved goofiness. Motorcycle madness is replaced by scooter pragmatism, vitamins are clocked, minerals are imputed, and much-measured sipping takes place. The pour down the throat is outlawed, and bright colours are needed to lure us into the docile arms of juices and shakes, all pretty with purpose.

There is a small segment that inverts the meaning of soda. These are the people who coyly ask for club soda (with whatever member rights that come along with the label) instead of asking for an alcoholic beverage. They also primly sip at this beverage, determined to tame its impatience by waiting it out. Here the power of soda is simultaneously acknowledged and neutered. Soda has some heft, but it is studiously virtuous in comparison to alcohol.

In an India that is no longer as passive as it was, and which finds stimulation in many other ways, soda by itself may not serve the purpose it once did, but it is an intrinsic part of our everyday life. Step out of any cocooned metropolis, and soda is everywhere, Nothing neutralises the summer as well as it does and nothing produces energy without discernible content dramatically as it does. Soda today perhaps draws its meaning not so much from its bottled power but the spirit of restless and directionless energy that it adds to our life.

OROP? WHAT'S THAT?

 CONTINUED GOVERNMENT INTRANSIGENCE

From Brig Inder Mohan Singh, President IESL.

Air Marshall Jagjeet Singh, Sr VP Airforce Association, Brig OP Yadav and Capt VS Narwal, both VPs IESL were also present.

Dear Veterans,

I would like to share with you the details of my meeting with Sh VK Singh,  Secy ESW on 07 Jun.

The points I raised were given in writing to the Secy. These have been posted in the environment also. Discussions and views on these are below.

OROP 2: Like it or not, the Secy said there will be no meeting as suggested by us between the CGDA/PCDA (PENSIONS) to resolve the anomalies. The problem he said is with funds. We were shown the data of the USA, UK and India on defence budgets and share of pay and pensions. The USA was shown to have a defence budget of $ 1000 or 1100 billion and 16 per cent spent on pay and pensions and India's USD 71 billion defence budget has to spend 54 per cent on pay and pensions. India cannot afford this high allocation. I leave our economic state to your discretion. He asked for the specific anomalies to be sent to him. Now I would like the environment to know that the Secy ESW or CGDA has not even responded to the anomalies raised by Service Hq, can we expect anything? Anyway since we were told to bring these to his notice we will do so. Further, the govt view is that the Hon' SC has ruled "there is no infirmity in the OROP policy". Hence accept it. Much that many would not like, the case taken up by Maj Gen Satbir Singh and IESM not only delayed the 01 Jul 2019 equalisation by nearly four years, the SC ruling has given the govt a handle to deny every action of ours. All I can say is that we will play according to the rules laid by the Govt. We will begin our action next week sending them case-by-case anomalies.

ONE MAN JUDICIAL COMMITTEE: There is general silence when we raise this issue. I think this report is not to the liking of the govt. It would have demolished govt views on many OROP issues. Maybe even the SC would have had to take into consideration the report in it's judgement. I think one way out is to request Justice L Narasimha Reddy to make the report public. If not seek court intervention. No other way.

SPARSH We were told that 90 per cent of the pensioners have been switched over to SPARSH. 23 lakh out of 26 lakh. There is a mismatch in data of 3 lakh pensioners. Wonder what level of computerisation of bank accounts and pension accounts has been achieved that there is a problem of 3 lakh pensioners. I conveyed that ESM was happy to move out of control of the DPDO system, no matter how rotten it was. And now a good working system has been given in the hands of the govt again. Now we have to live and die with it.

ECHS: Our contention is that there should be no shortfall in medicines. The Secy conveyed this is being resolved and EPharmacy will be contracted for direct delivery of medicines. Regarding pending hospital bills, the reason given is the corrupt actions of some hospitals. I wonder how has corruption entered a govt managed and controlled system of ECHS-empanelled hospitals when the govt claims there is zero corruption?

ENHANCED PENSION AT OLD AGE: The Secy was informed of the recent AFT ruling that pension be enhanced on completion of 79 years and not go into appeal. Let's see what the govt does.

WIDOW PENSION: This point was brought to the notice of the Secy. Widows need greater financial security but on the contrary, their pension is reduced to 60 per cent. He said this is a Pay Commission issue. We'll have to wait till 2026.

PROPOSAL FOR ENTREPRENEURSHIP FOR VETERANS: Dear Veterans, this is an important issue which can help us in enhancing the incomes of ESM. I raised the proposal of Veterans forming a corporate and setting up Solar Parks in military stations. Power to be supplied to the military establishment directly. Win-win for all. Help in the worldwide initiative to tackle global warming, assist our PM's goal of more participation in reducing dependence on fossil fuels, cheaper power for our armed forces reducing their costs by up to 25 per cent, put to use vacant military lands and finally financial benefits to ESM. In all this justification I've seen that the stumbling block is why should land be given to Veterans. I didn't expect our senior hierarchy, in the Service Hq and the IAS to stop their thinking just because this suggestion is thought-provoking and never raised earlier. Do we want to take over mil land in any way? Can we physically take away this land? On the other hand, we will do something that has never been thought of earlier. We will put the money of ESM shareholders into a pilot project. One megawatt will cost us about Rs 4.50 crore. The power will be supplied to the military grid and not sold to anyone else. Solar panel power generation has a life of 25 years. In return, ESM shareholders will get about 12 per cent return, or even better. More than what banks give. 50,000 retire every year taking home anywhere from Rs 35 lakh to one crore. Even at an average of Rs one lakh, we can raise Rs 500 crore and help retirees get better income. Will convince them that don't depend on govt benevolence. Do well for yourself. All that we want from the govt is permission to do this as a captive project for the ESM. As I've said in my letter, the govt has given Rs 1.97 lakh crore PLI benefit to 14 industries. Another Rs 26,000 crores for green hydrogen projects have been earmarked. Some for mobile phone manufacturers. Rs 10,000 crore given for FAME (Faster Adoption and Manufacturing of Electric Vehicles). There was fraud in this also. Rs 25,938 crore to auto companies. This when we know there is a waiting period of 6 months to nearly 2 years for most models which are in the higher price range. Plus govt helps the industry in getting land. Against this what are we asking? Putting our money for multipurpose benefits.

In this context, I'd like to share my discussion with the Secy in one such industry, Textile. Mr VK Singh was Secy Textiles earlier and the govt proposed setting up six, if I remember, Textile Parks across the country. One such park was proposed at Mattewara near Ludhiana, on the banks of R Sutlej. 1,000 acres of govt land, part forest and the rest Panchayat land with wildlife also in the area. I didn't hesitate to tell him that a Ludhiana-based citizens movement, led by veteran colleagues of mine, of which I'm also a part actively opposed this purely on environmental grounds. The Punjab govt had to bow against the mass movement and the project was scrapped. Now obviously this was not easily accepted by the Govt and the Textile industry. I would like to question the govt, so many ways and means of helping a few rich industrialists but find no logic when we want a large number of ESM to seek a better income in a path-breaking initiative.

I also requested that coal transportation and CHT initiatives as suggested be accepted.

I know that this post is rather long, but I wanted to convey all that I can to the environment. I request this be forwarded to max ESM groups and individuals.

My next plan is to seek a meeting with the Hon' Raksha Mantri in June itself.

Jai Hind

LATINATE RACE

 LATIN CAN BE FUNNY

From Quid Pro Quo to In Flagrante Delicto
cc Non Compos Mentis

One afternoon, all Latin expressions were invited by examinate Ante's lyin brother Post Meridiem to the Tavern to discuss Quid Pro Quo’s phenomenal rise in popularity thanks to impeachment hearings in the United States. Quod Expectata, De Facto, De Jure and Post Mortem strolled in well behind the clock, Sed Sero Solito.

A wave of resentment ran through Inter Alia, Ad Hoc, Pro Bono, Vice Versa, Statim, Ad Interim, Et Cetera, etc., who considered themselves the frontrunners in the Latinism sweepstakes before Quid Pro Quo had sprinted ahead in recent weeks.

“Well, let’s get real,” said Bona Fide, who was always truthful. “Quid Pro Quo is being promoted by no less a person than the U.S. President without Curriculum Vitae, even though Pro Bono is available for free.” Acta Non Verba nodded in agreement. 

Hearing this, Pro Bono, who was selfless and always unquestioningly volunteering herself, asked Prima Facie if this was indeed the case.

“As Ceteris Paribus says, yes,” confirmed Prima Facie. “Although the President likes Ad Hoc, Quid Pro Quo is his current favourite.”

“What about me? I am always bringing up the rear… though I am used so often,” complained Et Cetera to Ex Post Facto. Nota Bene took exception, as did Post Scriptum.

“Dei Gratia, Et Cetera and his comrades Nota Bena and Post Scriptum are made of two words, unlike that useless Addendum,” consoled Alter Ego, looking over his shoulder at his shadow.

“Quid Pro Quo and Exceptio Probat Regulam are made of three words!” pointed out Carpe Diem, groaning, “I should have seized the moment Ilias Latina squared Homer up!"

“Actually, we should have all gone to war!” yelled Casus Belli, who, with Pugnare and Bellecose, was always ready to bare his fangs.

“We would have backed you & Modus Operandi!” shouted twins De Facto and De Jure.

“Hear! Hear!” roared Vox Populi.

Et Cetera was comforted, but he knew he could never become the favourite; he’d always be an afterthought Videlicet, Secundum Cogitationem.

“Well, fair is foul and foul is fair,” explained Vice Versa, an opportunist who flip-flopped often.

“Indeed, I'm sorry about our fate. If you all want so, I'm happy to take the blame,” offered the always-apologetic Mea Culpa.

“Let’s just stay rooted to the ground. Our day will come!” advised Terra Firma, backed by Modus Operandi. Legum Baccalaureus said to Semper Fidelis, “I will follow the qualified, Exempli Gratia te Magister Artium.”

“No, let’s keep on rolling and rolling and…” pressed Ad Infinitum. Sui Generis agreed, sagely.

“The bird walked to the toy store,” said Non Sequitur.

Alma Mater, who was nourishing her children Alumnus and Alumna, watched the agitated Latinisms with Sotto Voce, who was usually quiet and spoke only occasionally in a low voice.

“Too bad everyone thinks the President has flipped for Quid Pro Quo,” she whispered. “No one believes me but I’ve seen him canoodling with that sexy wench In Flagrante Delicto.” 

Suddenly they heard someone chuckling in the shadows. It was Non Compos Mentis, giggling with Alea Iacta Est in the knowledge that she, not In Flagrante Delicto, was the President’s first love. Its most critical condition is that this piece is shared widely, said Sine Qua Non. Post Scriptum solemnly agreed, now that Regina had departed, Requiescat In Pace.

BRITISH HUMOUR

 LAUGH YOUR GUTS OFF

 HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall......'.

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your @rse sideways!'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it around the rest of the carriage.'

15) Commenting on a complaint from Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

16) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear.. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

17)Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

18)At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.  ( Aberdeen Evening Express)

19) Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled - 'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.' ( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Let's move into one-liners now:

I once dated a girl who broke up with me because I only have 9 toes. Yes, she was lack-toes intolerant.

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

I've started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.

If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughingstock. Now that's humerus.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.

Did you know muffins spelt backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?

Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16. So, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, "That lizard is really funny!" The leader replied, "That's not a lizard. He's a stand-up chameleon."

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.

Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song but the chickpeas can only hummus one.

Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court... it was a brief case.

How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it's on the house.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work

How do you make holy water? You take some water & boil the hell out of it

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favourite kind of music?" The other says, “I'm a big metal fan”

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu, you get what you deserve

I went to buy some camouflage trousers today, but couldn't find any.

What do you call a bee that can’t quite make up its mind? A maybe

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case

If and when everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

She had a photographic memory, but never developed it

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland of course. it’s *Dublin* everyday

My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is starting to improve

The guy who invented the door knocker got a *No-bell* prize

I never thought orthopedic shoes would really work for me, but I stand corrected.

Once upon a time there was a king who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

A Mexican magician said he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, “"Uno, dos.” Poof. He disappeared without a tres.

I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs. It’s a step by step guide.

My son was chewing on electric cords, so I had to ground him. It’s OK, though. He’s doing better and conducting himself properly.

My friend claims that he “accidentally" glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him. But that's his story and he’s sticking to it.

“Doctor, my child swallowed a roll of film. What should I do?” “Let’s wait and see if anything develops.”

An armed man ran into a real estate agency and shouted, “Nobody move.”

Got drunk yesterday and threw up in the elevator on my way back home. It was disgusting on so many levels.

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic. He said, “Sure. Knock yourself out!”

I got into a fight today with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9. The odds were really against me.

In Britain it’s called a lift but Americans call it an elevator. I guess we were just raised differently.



97% of people are stupid. Glad I’m in the other 5%.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need !”

Need an ark? I noah guy

I used to be indecisive; Now I'm not so sure

Sleeping comes so naturally to me that I can do it with my eyes closed

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing. But, it let out a little whine

What do you call a very articulate dinosaur with a good vocabulary? A Thesaurus, of course.

Once upon a time, there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler.

Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, and tomorrow romaines to be seen.

My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That's right... Jack and the beans talk.

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You probably have not heard of herbivores.

I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.

Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. That's right. The steaks were pretty high.

I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

 If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

 A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

 I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

 My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

 I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

 Why is ‘dark’ spelt with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

 When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

Bono  and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

I’m trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

 I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

Another Shift

1. If Poison expires; is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do Twins ever realise that one of them was really "Unplanned"?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

5. Maybe Oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

7. The word "SWIMS" upside-down is still "SWIMS"

8. 100 years ago everyone owned a Horse and only the rich had Cars. Today everyone has Cars and only the rich own Horses.

9. If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

10. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.

Great Puzzles Still Unresolved -

-At a movie theatre, which armrest is yours - left or right?

-If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

-Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

-Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

-Wonder why the word "Funeral" starts with FUN?

-Why isn't a Fireman called a Waterman?

-How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?

-Why are goods sent by Ship called CARGO, and those sent by Truck SHIPMENT?

-Why do Doctors "Practise" Medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?

-Why is it called "Rush Hour" when traffic moves at its slowest then?

-How come Noses run and Feet smell?

-Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?

-What are you vacating when you go on a "Vacation"?

- I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work

How do you make holy water? You take some water & boil the hell out of it

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.  One asks, “what’s your favourite kind of music ?The other says, “I'm a big metal fan”

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu, you get what you deserve.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday, but couldn't find any

What do you call a bee that can’t quite make up its mind? A maybe.      

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case

-If and when everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

-She had a photographic memory, but never developed it

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care

-I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

-My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is starting to improve

-The guy who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize

-I saw an ad for burial plots, and i thought: “That’s the last thing i need !”

-Need an ark ? I noah guy

-I used to be indecisive; Now I'm not so sure

-Sleeping comes so naturally to me that I can do it with my eyes closed

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing. But, it let out a little whine

What do you call a very articulate dinosaur with a good vocabulary? A Thesaurus, of course.

Aphorisms maybe?

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it!

Living on Earth may be expensive but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation. What more can I say!

If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly are the others here for?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

Your future depends on your dreams. So go to sleep !!

Can you do anything that other people can't? Sure... I can read my handwriting.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect and therefore I'm perfect.

I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.

If I save time, when do I get it back...???

I am free ... of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

Some More:

Why is the place in a stadium where you SIT, called a STAND ?

Why is that everyone wants to go to HEAVEN, but nobody wants to DIE !!

We have FREEDOM of SPEECH, Then why do we have TELEPHONE BILLS ?

If money doesn't grow on TREES, then why do banks have BRANCHES ?

Why doesn't GLUE stick to its BOTTLE ?

Why do you still call it BUILDING, when its already BUILT ?

If it’s true that we all are here to HELP others, What are others HERE for ?

If you aren't supposed to DRINK & DRIVE, why do bars have PARKING lots ?

 If All The Nations In The World Are In Debt, Where Did All The Money Go..?

 When Dog Food is 'New With Improved Taste', Who Tests It ?

 Who Copyrighted The Copyright Symbol ?