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REVIEW TIME

 UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

1. If Poison expires; is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do Twins ever realise that one of them is "Unplanned"?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

5. Is Oxygen slowly killing you just that it takes 75-100 years to fully work?

6. Every time you clean something, are you just make something else dirty?

7. Why is the word "swims" upside-down still "swims"?

8. Did you know that 100 years ago everyone owned a Horse and only the rich had Cars? And that today everyone has Cars and only the rich own Horses?

9. How is it that when you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them?

Some Great Confusions Which Are Still Unresolved:

1. At a movie theatre, which arm rest is yours?

2. If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

3. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

4. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

5. Ever wonder why the word "Funeral" starts with FUN?

6. Why isn't a Fireman called a Water-man?

7. How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?

8. If Money doesn't grow on Trees, how come Banks have Branches?

9. If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?

10. How do you get off a non-stop Flight?

11. Why are goods sent by Ship called CARGO, and those sent by Truck SHIPMENT?

12. Why do we put cups in the "Dishwasher" and the dishes in the "Cupboard"?

13. Why do doctors "Practice" medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?

14. Why is it called "Rush Hour" when traffic moves at its slowest then?

15. How come Noses run and Feet smell?

16. Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?

17. What are you vacating when you go on a "Vacation"?

 PEARLS OF WISDOM

When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

Virginity can be cured.

Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Q: What's an Australian kiss?  A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing...

Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Despite the old saying, ' Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

Breasts are proof that men can focus on two things at a time.

 DECENCY RE-PUNNED

I've started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.

Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16. So, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, "That lizard is really funny!" The leader replied, "That's not just any old lizard ... he's a stand-up chameleon."

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.

Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song but the chick peas can only hummus one.

Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court - it was a brief case.

How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it's on the house.

My friend said she wouldn't eat a cow's tongue because it came out of a cow's mouth. I gave her an egg.

Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler.

My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That's right ... Jack and the beans talk.

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You probably have not heard of herbivore.

I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.

Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. That's right. The steaks were pretty high.

LINING UP PHOTOS IN BLOGGER

ALIGN PHOTOS IN BLOGGER: AN UPDATED GUIDE

The free blog posting system, Blogger, does not provide the latest in technology to help your blog prosper. It is a daunting task to make money from your blog on Blogger. Getting photos in a neat line or position is impossible unless you know / understand HTML. Paragraph spacing, font sizes, indents, etc., are next to impossible. I have written a tutorial on how to arrange photos in a neat line, not strewn around the post with only the size and area under your control. The only limiting factor here is that the total width of all photographs should not exceed 720 spaces. You can control the width of your space available for placing photographs by adjusting the required width using the spacing facility made available via your blog-spacing limits using the page monitor.

First get your pictures in order. Use MS Picture Manager or MS Paint to edit your pictures, crop them, recolour them, whatever. Try and keep the width to the minimum required. Having done so, create a new folder on your Desktop and copy/paste these pics in the new folder.

Open Blogger and create a NEW POST. Give it any title, XYZ....

Upload these pictures into the new post-they will appear one below the other. I will upload six pics. Their default height is MEDIUM 320 pts. You can see that for yourself by just going to the HTML mode top left. If you want smaller pics, use the cursor and click on each pic and reduce each pic to SMALL size. This will reduce their height to 200 pts as you can see in the first picture below. You can also resize them later by adjusting the blue envelope they get covered in when you click on the pics, after you finish your placements.

Now switch to the HTML mode and have a look. You will see data of the dimensions of the original picture, which was huge, and data for the edited picture. We are no longer interested in the original picture. This is the HTML for your first pic: 

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">

<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3IHcIsaQ3I8/ XjGTJJH6GFI/ AAAAAAAAIWE/ XThJF0neU4M7RPWwPOXJQRWZf0n-ESWaQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/236207-big6yomg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="414" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinV0Jvpu8oAfriijUwEnC4bxqpPKn6ucMW4b88m6hH5A2wWbil0rTMl1Xanum56zxCkqOAiFjaEFz1DL_TMy3-lHuwlsK6Bs3XOjYeqJtMbcurpdSAT8-3AJ8rBski7L48E2NdLwm5X3Sr/s320/236207-big6yomg.jpg" width="82" /></a></div>

 
Let's move to the next part. You have need your pic data lodged in between and including the two segments highlighted in yellow. You can see the source of that pic also. "src". Six pictures have to be aligned. 

Copy/paste the code just below into the empty space below the last line of HTML:

<table>
<tbody>

 <tr>

<td><img height="xxx"><img src="  " width="xx" /></td>

<td><img height="xxx"><img src="  " width="xx" /></td>

<td><img height="xxx"><img src="  " width="xx" /></td>

<td><img height="xxx"><img src="  " width="xx" /></td>  

<td><img height="xxx"><img src="  " width="xx" /></td>

<td><img height="xxx"><img src="  " width="xx" /></td>  

</tr>

</tbody>

</table>

Let's take one line apart, shall we?

<td><img height="xxx"><img src="  " width="xx" /></td>

This line shows up three blank spaces, all within inverted commas (" "). It is asking for three parameters, image height, image source and image width. These are all available in the HTML code of that image. Easy!

As there are 6 pics, I have used 6 lines of placement code, starting/ending with (td,/td). In the first line, insert image height, 320, replacing xxx and image width 82 in place of the xx. Only the source of the image needs to be filled in the slot between the inverted commas where it says img src " ":

<td><img height="320"><img src="  " width="82" /></td> Note that I have retained the " " around the numbers. This is important.

Copy this bit of code from the src in the HTML: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinV0Jvpu8oAfriijUwEnC4bxqpPKn6ucMW4b88m6hH5A2wWbil0rTMl1Xanum56zxCkqOAiFjaEFz1DL_TMy3-lHuwlsK6Bs3XOjYeqJtMbcurpdSAT8-3AJ8rBski7L48E2NdLwm5X3Sr/s320/236207-big6yomg.jpg (starting with https and ending with jpg).

This is to be inserted in the <imgsrc=" " bit in the table. The completed line of coding will read like so, for the first pic.:

img height="320";img src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3IHcIsaQ3I8/ XjGTJJH6GFI/ AAAAAAAAIWE/ XThJF0neU4M7RPWwPOXJQRWZf0n-ESWaQCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/236207-big6yomg.jpg" width="82"/></td>

Do this for each image, one by one.

There you go, six pics aligned neatly.

If you want to equalise or change the spacing, you can edit your pics in both the Compose mode and the HTML mode. The Compose mode is easier, unless you are comfortable with HTML. In the Compose mode, click on the 1st pic and you will see a black vertical line, as tall as the pic, appear to its left. Use the → tab and move it to the second pic. Just use the space tab on your keyboard to move that image, or the → tab to cross over to the next pic, or whichever. Just make sure you don’t drop the last pic to the next line. If you do drop the pic, just hit the return arrow. Space the 1st image last of all. In the HTML mode, you have to type in the code for one space, starting with an ampersand, using the letters nbsp and ending with a semicolon where you want to get one space. In fact, when you use the Compose mode and tap the keyboard to space out the pics, you are actually adding that code in the HTML, once per tap. Check it out by going over to the HTML mode. REMEMBER to hit the Update button once you are done.

Let's say you want to add a seventh picture. First, go to HTML and insert this line below the six pics: <td><img height="xxx"><img src="  " width="xx" /></td>

Make sure it is above the closing tags of /tr/tbody/table. Let's say you want to insert the image below:

                 

The least cluttered method is to first save this work, or publish it and on the control panel/list of blog posts, select it and click Revert to draft, a temporary measure. Now open a NEW post and title it xyz or whatever. Upload the seventh pic into this post. Go to HTML and note its height and width. It will be 320 and 78-83 or thereabouts. Copy the url. Return to your original post and publish it to take it out of the draft mode. Add the data of the seventh pic in that seventh line as always. The height, width and the url go into their slots. The seventh pic will appear. 

Go back to the Compose mode and remove the downloaded pictures by simply clicking on them and selecting the 'remove' option. Finally, click on update and voila...

If you want to line up 10 bottles in a section, you will have to reduce their size to less than 200 height. 150 will do nicely. Since you have shortened the height by 150/200, i.e. to 75%, reduce the width of each bottle to 75%.

Don't forget to delete that small NEW post, xyz or whatever!

What if you do not get the width in the HTML code?

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">

<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3IHcIsaQ3I8/ XjGTJJH6GFI/ AAAAAAAAIWE/ XThJF0neU4M7RPWwPOXJQRWZf0n-ESWaQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/236207-big6yomg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="414" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinV0Jvpu8oAfriijUwEnC4bxqpPKn6ucMW4b88m6hH5A2wWbil0rTMl1Xanum56zxCkqOAiFjaEFz1DL_TMy3-lHuwlsK6Bs3XOjYeqJtMbcurpdSAT8-3AJ8rBski7L48E2NdLwm5X3Sr/s320/236207-big6yomg.jpg" /></a></div>

Simple. Just calculate it as follows:

Height 320/original height 1600 x original width 414.

320      x      414  =  82.8 or 83.

1600

 

 

TWISTS AND TURNS

PUN TIME

NAUGHTY ONES:

Never dance naked because the body has parts that do not stop moving when the music stops.

Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard. Though not always

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself.

Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society; but always remember who laid them!

Education is like hiring a prostitute, it needs both money & hard work.

When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of reason goes un-wiped.

Men play the game. Women know the score.

Wives are funny creatures... They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does!

Guys are like roses, just watch out for the pricks.

College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in and nine months later you wish you'd never come.

Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you are the same sperm that won a battle against a million others.

The girl who remembers her first kiss now, has a daughter who can't even remember her first husband.

Here is the definition of divorce...She gets the ring and the man gets the finger!

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Confucius say...... Man who puts hand in bush is not always a gardener.

A botany student has brought to our attention the fact, that penis is the only thing that has to be grown before it is planted.

LESS NAUGHTY ONES

How does an attorney sleep ?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work

How do you make holy water ?
You take some water & boil the hell out of it

Will glass coffins be a success ?
Remains to be seen

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.
One asks, “what’s your favorite kind of music ?”
The other says, “I'm a big metal fan”

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma ?
There’s no menu ,you get what you deserve

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday, but couldn't find any

What do you call a bee that can’t quite make up its mind ?
A maybe 

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case

If and when everything is coming your way,  you're in the wrong lane

She had a photographic memory, but never developed it

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today ?
I don't know and don't really care

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then i changed my mind

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population ?
Ireland of course. It’s Dublin everyday

My ex-wife still misses me,  but her aim is starting to improve

The guy who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize

I saw an ad for burial plots, and i thought : “that’s the last thing I need !”

Need an ark ?I noah guy

I used to be indecisive;
Now I'm not so sure

Sleeping comes so naturally to me that i can do it with my eyes closed

What did the grape say when it got stepped on ?
Nothing. But, it let out a little w(h)ine

What do you call a very articulate dinosaur with a good vocabulary ?
A Thesaurus!

 Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm great at multi-tasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

Take my advice — I'm not using it.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.

My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test. The other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it. 

Now for elder statesmen's pithy comments:

Newton said he'd drop in.

Socrates said he'd think about it.

Ohm resisted the idea.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.

Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.

Volta was electrified at the prospect.

Pavlov positively drooled at the thought.

Ampere was worried he wasn't current enough though alternately none were.

Audubon said he'd have to wing it.

Edison thought it would be illuminating.

Einstein said it would be relatively easy to attend.

Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.

Dr Jekyll declined - he said he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

Morse said, "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."

Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetism.

Hertz said he planned to attend with greater frequency in the future.

Watt thought it would be a good way to let off steam.

Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

And Dr. Sigmund Freud couldn't help but give it the slip!

WHO ARE GRANDPARENTS?
Written by a 6th Std child.

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own.

They always like other people's children also.

They come after a few months and live at the airport from where we need to pick them up and later drop back too.

A grandfather is a man, and a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents like to shop at D-mart.

They are always old people.

It is good when they bring lollipops and home-made sweets.

Grandparents often take some medicines during the day and before going to bed.

Whenever they take us out for walks, they walk slowly. They don't run around in the park.

They don't say bad words, like my brother.

Usually they drink tea or coffee in the morning.

They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth out for brushing. They usually need a stick or a chair with wheels to be mobile.

Grandparents are smart and give us a lot of general knowledge.

Grandma always makes tastier food than Mom.

Grandpa often tells us stories that are better than Harry Potter.

Grandparents don't fight like Mom and Dad

Everybody should try to have a grandmother and a grandfather.

They say prayers with us and kiss us. They like to go to bed early and frequently doze off while watching TV from their favourite recliner/sofa.

Grandpa is the smartest man on earth but somehow still forgets his glasses all over the house! Often he misplaces the remote control of the TV and needs help to find it.